![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pwagg on July 9, 2001, at 14:12:33
I was lucky. Zyprexa was the miracle drug they billed it as. It gave me back a life worth living. I found I could suddenly read and write and understand the world again after 25 years or more of psychosis...But now what? My moods go up and down wildly simply in terms of having to deal with the world that I see before me: I didn't understand how the world worked, that politically it was so evil, and at 48 I'm too old -- and physically ill -- to change it...I can't see any future for me, I feel too tired to see any future for me...And it seems like it wasn't worth it to wake up just to understand this...I LOVE being alive, yet it seems so terrible too at the same time, to have such a brilliant mind, to be able to learn so much and see so much in so short a time and yet at 48 to have had so many things pass me by that I can never do anything about...I had no adolescence, no young adulthood -- not normal at least. So what I'm asking is does anyone else recognize this dilemma, this predicament? How do you deal with it? Is there an answer?
Posted by susan C on July 9, 2001, at 14:14:29
In reply to What to do after awakening??, posted by pwagg on July 9, 2001, at 14:12:33
volunteer
> I was lucky. Zyprexa was the miracle drug they billed it as. It gave me back a life worth living. I found I could suddenly read and write and understand the world again after 25 years or more of psychosis...But now what? My moods go up and down wildly simply in terms of having to deal with the world that I see before me: I didn't understand how the world worked, that politically it was so evil, and at 48 I'm too old -- and physically ill -- to change it...I can't see any future for me, I feel too tired to see any future for me...And it seems like it wasn't worth it to wake up just to understand this...I LOVE being alive, yet it seems so terrible too at the same time, to have such a brilliant mind, to be able to learn so much and see so much in so short a time and yet at 48 to have had so many things pass me by that I can never do anything about...I had no adolescence, no young adulthood -- not normal at least. So what I'm asking is does anyone else recognize this dilemma, this predicament? How do you deal with it? Is there an answer?
Posted by kid_A on July 9, 2001, at 16:30:18
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??, posted by susan C on July 9, 2001, at 14:14:29
i have no idea what "volunteer" entails, though its not a horribly bad idea, but i can tell you this...perhaps im not 48, im only 30... but i had felt that i wasted all of my youth in needless writhing mental agony... i had a youth, i had social functions, girlfriends, and the like... it was nothing close to normal... but there was human connection... but when you go through your entire life and look at yourself with utter hatred, you might as well be dead...
Even when things were going 'okay', i still was depressed, even if they said they did, how could anyone ever love me? I had no idea... One day it all broke, and for 7 or so years I languished in drug abuse and cheap friends, throwaway people, and sporadic and transient cheap relationships...
One day I met a friend who gave me the inspiration to start pulling myself up from the gutter... yet it was still 3 years until i got to where i am now... getting help, that is finally changing my life for the better...
whatever happens when we die, you still have -now- go visit a museum, walk through a cornfield, watch a sunset on the beach, go to another country, read finnigans wake by james joyce just to say you did it... get loaded (unless you used to be an alcoholic, scratch that last one...:), meet people... there are a lot of people much older than you who are showing no signs of giving up now... my father, whos probably 10 years older than you, (who i think coincidentally suffered from some form of untreated depression for a good while) just re-married, and is now i think, finally happy... But **age has nothing to do w/ it**
sure there is a lot of ugliness in this world, but it has -no- power over you... only you have that power, and you should put it to good use while you have the cognitive ability to do so...
just my 2cents..........
Posted by susan C on July 9, 2001, at 17:14:40
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??, posted by kid_A on July 9, 2001, at 16:30:18
> kid A, I appreciated all that you wrote. What I meant by 'volunteer' is, if you get to the point where you are stable enough to commit to something, even one hour a week, or a couple of hours a month, you can find an organization that can use your help. I am not there yet, this time. I was before and that is what helped me build to working. I have been thinking, this time, to volunteer with the humane society and walk dogs. I don't have a pet and I think it would be comforting. What is nice about volunteering, is there a lot of different kinds and the organizations are very flexible and they are happy to get the help. So, if you can't come one time it is ok. One step at a time, one baby step at a time. I am 50.
> i have no idea what "volunteer" entails, though its not a horribly bad idea, but i can tell you this...
>
> perhaps im not 48, im only 30... but i had felt that i wasted all of my youth in needless writhing mental agony... i had a youth, i had social functions, girlfriends, and the like... it was nothing close to normal... but there was human connection... but when you go through your entire life and look at yourself with utter hatred, you might as well be dead...
>
> Even when things were going 'okay', i still was depressed, even if they said they did, how could anyone ever love me? I had no idea... One day it all broke, and for 7 or so years I languished in drug abuse and cheap friends, throwaway people, and sporadic and transient cheap relationships...
>
> One day I met a friend who gave me the inspiration to start pulling myself up from the gutter... yet it was still 3 years until i got to where i am now... getting help, that is finally changing my life for the better...
>
> whatever happens when we die, you still have -now- go visit a museum, walk through a cornfield, watch a sunset on the beach, go to another country, read finnigans wake by james joyce just to say you did it... get loaded (unless you used to be an alcoholic, scratch that last one...:), meet people... there are a lot of people much older than you who are showing no signs of giving up now... my father, whos probably 10 years older than you, (who i think coincidentally suffered from some form of untreated depression for a good while) just re-married, and is now i think, finally happy... But **age has nothing to do w/ it**
>
> sure there is a lot of ugliness in this world, but it has -no- power over you... only you have that power, and you should put it to good use while you have the cognitive ability to do so...
>
> just my 2cents..........
Posted by Zo on July 9, 2001, at 18:20:36
In reply to What to do after awakening??, posted by pwagg on July 9, 2001, at 14:12:33
pwagg, I can understand what you mean. . I've never really been well, and my life in many ways ended at 36 when I completely broke down with what is now known as Chronic Fatigue Illness; it was a complete mind and health melt. And I wouldn't argue that awakening to awareness isn't painful. I first woke up in year 17, when I was put on Dexadrine; additional meds have meant more awakenings. Have you thought about writing about your experiences, or other creative endeavors? And/or finding a way to support others who are still stuck where you were. Two vital ways to make a difference. . .which is what we hunger for, after so many lost years. . .
Zo
Posted by Anna Laura on July 11, 2001, at 1:26:07
In reply to What to do after awakening??, posted by pwagg on July 9, 2001, at 14:12:33
> I was lucky. Zyprexa was the miracle drug they billed it as. It gave me back a life worth living. I found I could suddenly read and write and understand the world again after 25 years or more of psychosis...But now what? My moods go up and down wildly simply in terms of having to deal with the world that I see before me: I didn't understand how the world worked, that politically it was so evil, and at 48 I'm too old -- and physically ill -- to change it...I can't see any future for me, I feel too tired to see any future for me...And it seems like it wasn't worth it to wake up just to understand this...I LOVE being alive, yet it seems so terrible too at the same time, to have such a brilliant mind, to be able to learn so much and see so much in so short a time and yet at 48 to have had so many things pass me by that I can never do anything about...I had no adolescence, no young adulthood -- not normal at least. So what I'm asking is does anyone else recognize this dilemma, this predicament? How do you deal with it? Is there an answer?
I'm so glad to hear you had your life back!
It must be wonderful but kind of scary also: i understand you a little bit, 'cause i had micro-awakenings throughout the years (i've been depressed for more then ten years so far). Well, when i felt better i felt happy but kind of weird also: i was looking back mourning over the loss of my youth; if i was thinking about my life at that very moment i felt somehow desperate 'cause there were only heaps of rubble surrounding me: it was like having survived a war and have to rebuild everything again .
I know for sure an italian researcher who is working in the U.S. too (going back and forth) made a study about that: it's actually difficult to find his articles on the web, but you could try to get in touch with him (he speaks english for sure 'cause he has been teaching in an U.S. college). His last name is Fava. I got in touch with him with e-mail; he answered me, was very kind and he redirected me to a psychologist who's applying his methods.
I personally called a university library that send me some information sheets about this "rebuilding life"-therapy. If you can't find those information on the web i can search for his phone number/e-mail again (i used to have that but can't find it at this moment); i might look for the information sheets also (i can't recall if they were written wether in italian or in english).Wishing you good luck
Anna Laura
Posted by Cece on July 11, 2001, at 2:41:42
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??, posted by Anna Laura on July 11, 2001, at 1:26:07
Anna Laura- I would be interested in finding out more about Fava's work- please post if you find it.
This whole thread has moved me deeply, the openess, the pain, the wisdom and caring. As others say, the better I get, the sadder I feel in many ways- but I had forgotten what I once learned in the middle of a deep depression- that I can only begin from where I am right now.
I do mourn what I have missed out on while struggling with overwhelming inner turmoil, and I struggle with shame. But I often try to forge ahead without letting myself cry about it. This thread has let me cry a little, and to feel stronger.
I'd like to share a poem that I wrote last year- I began it on New Year's Day, 2000, and decided that it was finished in December, 2000.
Thanx all.
A Prayer for myself
Bless me with a gentle breeze,
and lead me
forward
refreshed
with an open heart.Free me
from the hot sun torture
of not trusting
the ground I stand on.
Let me live
with confidence
that I am
at home.Give me time
to gather up
my scattered fragments.
Let the emergency be over.
Remind me in every little moment
of my strengths,
and free me from shame.Show me
a comfortable
and useful path.
Take me back
to the warmth and the surprise of the meadow.
Remind me
of kindness.January, June, November & December 2000
Cece
Posted by Anna Laura on July 11, 2001, at 5:31:05
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??, posted by Cece on July 11, 2001, at 2:41:42
> Anna Laura- I would be interested in finding out more about Fava's work- please post if you find it.
I found the article! It's written in English but i do need an address to send it. (my scanner broke down last week, so i'll have to photocopy it). His whole name is:
FAVA Giovanni Andrea
Tel.: 051-2091330 (University of Bologna, Italy)
Posted by Roo on July 11, 2001, at 7:18:20
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??FOUND IT!!, posted by Anna Laura on July 11, 2001, at 5:31:05
Ce-Ce,
Thanks for sharing your poem--I really like it.
It's very soothing, simple and unpretentious.
Posted by Zo on July 12, 2001, at 0:36:07
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??, posted by Cece on July 11, 2001, at 2:41:42
Cece,
A *lovely* poem, and I hope to see you soon. . .
Zo
> A Prayer for myself
>
>
> Bless me with a gentle breeze,
> and lead me
> forward
> refreshed
> with an open heart.
>
> Free me
> from the hot sun torture
> of not trusting
> the ground I stand on.
> Let me live
> with confidence
> that I am
> at home.
>
> Give me time
> to gather up
> my scattered fragments.
> Let the emergency be over.
> Remind me in every little moment
> of my strengths,
> and free me from shame.
>
> Show me
> a comfortable
> and useful path.
> Take me back
> to the warmth and the surprise of the meadow.
> Remind me
> of kindness.
>
>
>
> January, June, November & December 2000
> Cece
Posted by pwagg on July 15, 2001, at 20:27:13
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening?? » Cece, posted by Zo on July 12, 2001, at 0:36:07
I want to thank everyone who has contributed a thought to this thread. Despite the improvements due to Zyprexa, I have not been anywhere near stable enough to commit myself to a volunteer job, though I am writing a book about my experiences with schizophrenia, along with my twin sister, who is a psychiatrist (!). Although we have 350 pp what we really need is a good editor to work with, who could help us organize it, and they seem to be a dying breed these days...I am a writer myself, and when I am able to, have written articles and book reviews for publication, have even won journalism awards, though I remain on disability because these achievements have been so few and far between...
What amazes me is what also depresses me: that I have been able to learn so much over the past five years or so, that I have been able to devour the world's news, and to learn what's going on, bad as it is, and develop opinions about it all...BUT that it's all of it so terrible and, worse, that I, one aging physically frail soul, age 6 in "real life" years, have not the energy, "pull" or knowledge to do anything to change it...I do what I can, yes. I sponsor a woman in Nigeria, so she gets $25 from my SSD check every month because what once went around to me now goes around to her, and I try to help others when I can...But I feel so useless, so damned helpless, and this world, what people do to one another in it makes me so angry that sometimes I wish I had never woken up to see what it is really like...
But I'm only babbling...I'm a little less depressed now I hope. Though I had a recent relapse due to Lyme Disease and medication reduction, the voices and time spent on "delusional thinking" is much diminished. I'm trying to attend a recovery rehab center 3 days a week, but it's hard for me even to get myself into the main room. Sometimes I get there, get to the doorway, then lose my nerve and go home in tears because I was too scared to go inside...I need to make friends, but if I can't look at people, can't tell one person from another, how can I? But one step at a time, one hour at a time. right?
Pam
Posted by Zo on July 16, 2001, at 18:21:01
In reply to Re: What to do after awakening??, posted by pwagg on July 15, 2001, at 20:27:13
Pam,
1. I am *so* jealous you are tolerating Zyprexa. . .I found I was both creative *and* able to organize my work *and* oversee it, for the first time in my life. . .But I put on 45 lb. of Insulin Resistance weight, (am trying not to be frantic over finding a substitute, so far Geodon and Ripserdol have bombed.)
2. Would you post or email me about the program through which you sponsor the Nigerian woman?
3. Maybe I'll start a Commiserating Writers thread. . !
Good to hear from you,
Zo
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.