![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Oddzilla on June 9, 2000, at 10:49:31
Hi, I've been thinking about you and wondered how things were going? I thought maybe you were in the hospital, but then I saw you had posted. I hope that means things are a little better. Let us know how you're doing. O.
Posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 12:09:27
In reply to Me But Not Me How are you?, posted by Oddzilla on June 9, 2000, at 10:49:31
Not in the hospital yet, might be going in this weekend. The immediate suicidal urges have abated for now, but I am still feeling very messed-up, for lack of a better word!
It will seem weird to say so, but -- I just haven't had time to go yet this week. I can barely drag my butt out of bed as it is, but someone here had emergency leave and there was no one but me to fill in. I want to go after work today but I am so tired... I am afraid I might have an 'episode' if I have to deal with red tape and bullcrap when I am in this kind of mood so I may wait until tomorrow. I still want this to be voluntary! I have been disconnecting from everything so it does not overwhelm me, which is what I usually do anyway, which is why I have to go to get help.
Thank you for asking. How are you?
Posted by shar on June 9, 2000, at 12:51:47
In reply to Thanks for asking, Oddzilla!, posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 12:09:27
Dear MBNM:
If you had been in the hospital or out of town when the emergency leave situation came up at work, they would have managed somehow. There will always be something in the way, so we just have to plow on through.
From what I read in the responses to your hospital Q's post, it's not as terrible to admit yourself as I thought. I agree with it being voluntary, but I think even if you were committed against your will it would be for a short (maybe 2-3 days) observation period. And, I think that takes a court order. Anybody you know who wants to do that?
It sounds like you've kept your depression well-hidden. And, I do not think even the worst messy apartment is grounds for commitment. (or would several of us here ever be in trouble...)
Please take care of yourself! You can write a notarized letter of what you never want them to do and give a copy to a friend or something if you are worried about that. Such as, no ect, no lobotomy, no ... whatever. And also give it to the hospital.
But, I think those concerns are maybe magnified by fear. At least nowadays I think patient rights are much more recognized. And, you can have a friend check on you periodically to make sure things are going ok.
We can check on you if you will have access to a computer/internet. Or, if you want to tell us the address of the hospital, and a name (yours or a pseudonym) we could write you there.
Please TELL US when you go in. I thought you had already gone, so I didn't post to you. You are in my thoughts a lot. I have concerns for you to take care, and also see this as a real opportunity to improve your situation.
I really think you may benefit significantly from the hosp. Suicidal thoughts and near-actions may come again (mine are fairly regular) and you may again be in sort of crisis mode to go to the hosp. If you go now, you may have time to get your head above water and ground under your feet so you are stronger if you have those thoughts.
Anyhow...you can tell I love to give suggestions and advice! I know human nature enough by now to understand it is your choice, and it will happen when you are ready, so I will butt out and wish you courage, and peace.
xoxo S
Posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 16:45:17
In reply to MBNM - I thought you had gone!, posted by shar on June 9, 2000, at 12:51:47
Your post was full of good advice :) It is just so hard sometimes ... I am sitting here right now, avoiding going. I am still at work, have been off the clock for nearly 3 hours now and feel immobile. I am holed up in a cube in a corner where I can be anti-social. This is stupid, because I should be home scooping up after the cats and preparing for my stay if it happens. I feel so beligerant today... people at work are on my nerves and I am afraid to go there with this attitude. I do think a short stay is just what I need, though... to remove the distractions and excuses,etc.
I will let you (all) know what happens. I didn't post because I was sort-of out of it again and felt I had nothing much to report, thought it would only be whining.
Thanks for even offering to write! You are very sweet. I hope I will not be in there that long, though. I don't know if I will have access if/when I go in to stay -- if I can sneak my laptop in, I can 'Babble' all night long : )
Thanks for being there, and for thinking of me. I really mean it when I say it helps tremendously to know that you are out there caring. Some days it is hard to believe anyone does, ya know?
I will keep in touch.
-MBNM (otherwise known as Shelley)
Posted by Kath on June 9, 2000, at 17:26:38
In reply to Re: Shar, thanks for thinking of me : ), posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 16:45:17
Hi Me-But-Not-Me (wasn't sure if you'd prefer to be called Shelley in these written parts?)
I'm thinking of you too. I haven't read many of your posts, so didn't know you were feeling so bad. I'll think of you. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. (Letters, e-mails, etc.)
I'll try to keep up with how you're doing. And by the way, whining is perfectly okay with me. If you need to whine, post a message to me and I absolutely guarantee that I will NEVER criticise you (even in my mind) for "whining". It's important to give ourselves the right to have our feelings. It's also important to be able to have those with whom we can share those feelings and know we'll still be accepted and loved. Please feel free to consider me one of those people.
Kath
> Your post was full of good advice :) It is just so hard sometimes ... I am sitting here right now, avoiding going. I am still at work, have been off the clock for nearly 3 hours now and feel immobile. I am holed up in a cube in a corner where I can be anti-social. This is stupid, because I should be home scooping up after the cats and preparing for my stay if it happens. I feel so beligerant today... people at work are on my nerves and I am afraid to go there with this attitude. I do think a short stay is just what I need, though... to remove the distractions and excuses,etc.
>
> I will let you (all) know what happens. I didn't post because I was sort-of out of it again and felt I had nothing much to report, thought it would only be whining.
>
> Thanks for even offering to write! You are very sweet. I hope I will not be in there that long, though. I don't know if I will have access if/when I go in to stay -- if I can sneak my laptop in, I can 'Babble' all night long : )
>
> Thanks for being there, and for thinking of me. I really mean it when I say it helps tremendously to know that you are out there caring. Some days it is hard to believe anyone does, ya know?
>
> I will keep in touch.
>
> -MBNM (otherwise known as Shelley)
Posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 18:54:09
In reply to MBNM - thinking of you » me-but-not-me, posted by Kath on June 9, 2000, at 17:26:38
It's okay, you (all) can call me whatever you want here. Well, maybe not -- I have seen some of the not-so-nice posts!
You already know that I am not 'myself' currently... but, I felt safe enough to post my real name, so -- it's okay to use it.
Thank you so much for your support! And thanks for offering to listen to my whining. It's a delicate balance, one I am sure a majority of us on this board are familiar with - feeling hopeless and alone, needing support and nurturing from others, yet unable to seek (and sometimes even accept) it due to misanthropic and antisocial feelings. I have been trapped in this dichotomy as of late.
Your support means so much -- thanks for checking on me. I promise to post more often, even if it's whiny (I'll note it in the subject line so those who aren't in the mood can avoid it! )
I hope you have a good weekend : )
-Shelley, MBNM
Posted by harry b. on June 9, 2000, at 19:51:34
In reply to Kath - thank you..., posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 18:54:09
Hi Shelly-
I thought you were in the psych ward too and was
wondering how you were doing there.
One more item from my experience: If you've gotten
advice from a doc on which hospital to go to, try
to find out if they have a bed for you before you
show up there. When I admitted myself the 2nd time
they were full, no room at the Inn. The pdoc there
wanted to find a bed for me at another hosp but
I was adament about not going elsewhere. They finally
gave in, and I was roomed on a cot with 2 other
patients untill there was a vacancy. Had I not been
a patient there before, and had they not known me
and my history, they would definitely have tried
to have me admitted at another hospital.Another thing. I saw 3 patients restrained and given
injections of some strong tranq, one was manic and
attacked the staff, one was so despondent he was
beating his head against the wall and the staff
could not handle him, and the 3rd was delusional,
running thru the halls at 2am screaming that rapists
were chasing her. These patients needed to be restrained
and drugged. They presented harm to themselves or
others. If you are garden-variety nuts :) like
most of us here you needn't be aprehensive about
receiving that type of treatment.Let us know how you are doing, and when & if you
take the hospital route.
hb
Posted by shar on June 9, 2000, at 21:49:29
In reply to Re: Shar, thanks for thinking of me : ), posted by me-but-not-me on June 9, 2000, at 16:45:17
Shelley,
As far as I'm concerned, whine away. I think a lot of people who are in pain are called "whiners" because we are supposed to be happy all the time! 8-D
Here, you are with people who understand. I'd rather hear you "whine" than not hear from you!
Shar
Posted by me-but-not-me on June 10, 2000, at 17:09:14
In reply to Shelley , posted by shar on June 9, 2000, at 21:49:29
I am taking your suggestions and posting drivel rather than not posting at all. Hope you still think it's a good idea : )
I had HORRIBLE nightmares last night, something I don't usually have. I recently doubled my dose of Effexor from 75mg to 150mg, this may be the cause. I finally did get back to sleep and woke just a bit ago, feeling literally drugged. I don't think it's my ADs because I forgot to take them last night, and haven't taken anything else. I am avoiding taking things like Ritalin that I don't have an Rx for (I work in a clinic and we pass leftover Rx drugs around, lots of us are trying to find the correct psycho-pharm solutions) because I am still very seriously considering checking-in to the hospital and I don't want them to think I have drug-seeking beh'r. (Yes, I know we aren't supposed to pass around drugs, etc. But most of you know what it's like to have a bottle of whatever-you're-not-taking-anymore lying around, and have an educated friend who wants to try it before they ask their (sometimes clueless) p-doc about it. So, no lectures please :)
Anyway, I am feeling like total crap. My head is so foggy... feels like a hangover of sorts (nope, no drinking last night - or for a while, now that I think about it!) A friend is calling bugging me to go see a funny movie. He and his girlfriend are practically trying to drag me out of the Sty (what I call my apartment!) I really appreciate his efforts, and I know I should go, but I hate everything and it's hard to want to go out. I went through my usual list of 'no' reasons, like I am not in the mood to shower (they said they wouldn't shower either),etc... They are being persistent after they realized I was/am still close to checking myself in. One of you -- Kath or Shar?-- said I must hide my depression well. You are mostly right, plus I happen to be in a 'helping' field at work and am also the friend everyone calls when they need to talk. It must be weird to have me on the other side. I know it is for me!
I am going to try to make myself go, but I feel horrible and don't want to ruin their day. Plus I am much more comfortable sitting here in my old ugly t-shirt; I hate the thought of putting real clothes on and having to comb my hair, not to mention putting stuff on my zits (yes, 33 years old and still breaking out. I hate that). Ugh.
Well I hope you still think this was a good idea! I feel like I am whining big-time. I hope the rest of you are enjoying your Saturday, I will write again later.
Thanks for reading my cranky drivel : )
--Shelley mbnm
Posted by shar on June 10, 2000, at 21:31:13
In reply to Shar, Kath Oddzilla, Harry b + all --Shelley(mbnm), posted by me-but-not-me on June 10, 2000, at 17:09:14
Shelley,
Well, that was a good try at whining, but I didn't really notice that much going on. In fact, I can really relate to a lot of things you said.
Exchanging meds (it's my dentist that has the problem/overreaction to that), the Sty I have, not wanting to get dressed, comb hair, trying to pretend to be in a decent mood for my friend's sake, being a good listener to those who call but never telling anyone I'd rather die than go on, being exhausted, wanting to please friends (or my sister) because she means well, etc.
Those are feelings not whines. You will have to do much better than that to get rid of me!
I think increasing the effexor could be causing the hangover effect. I take it and was always really sleepy until we added Wellbutrin.
I'm glad you wrote!! Did you go to the show?
Shar
Posted by Kath on June 11, 2000, at 14:02:15
In reply to Shelley: You call that whining?!?, posted by shar on June 10, 2000, at 21:31:13
Shelley - Ditto - I don't call that whining!! I'm glad you shared. Please keep doing so. I'm thinking of you and send you warm golden thoughts. Please take good care of yourself to whatever extent you can. Alot of people care about you.
Kath.
>
> Well, that was a good try at whining, but I didn't really notice that much going on. In fact, I can really relate to a lot of things you said.
>
> Exchanging meds (it's my dentist that has the problem/overreaction to that), the Sty I have, not wanting to get dressed, comb hair, trying to pretend to be in a decent mood for my friend's sake, being a good listener to those who call but never telling anyone I'd rather die than go on, being exhausted, wanting to please friends (or my sister) because she means well, etc.
>
> Those are feelings not whines. You will have to do much better than that to get rid of me!
>
> I think increasing the effexor could be causing the hangover effect. I take it and was always really sleepy until we added Wellbutrin.
>
> I'm glad you wrote!! Did you go to the show?
> Shar
Posted by me-but-not-me on June 12, 2000, at 3:58:29
In reply to Re: Shelley: You call that whining?!? to Shelley , posted by Kath on June 11, 2000, at 14:02:15
Hi, Kath and Shar-
Yes, I went to the movie. I endured well-meaning chatter until it started, then -- during the movie, I went from being near catatonic to almost manic! It was the weirdest thing. When the movie ended, I parted from them and wanted to get raging drunk and break things. I stopped off to get something at a bookstore first and ended up finding good books and reading at a table there for hours. No boozing, no rioting! Very weird. I did end up cutting that night... though I don't do it nearly as often as I used to. But now I have fresh ones, so if I do go to the hospital or even try to get a new pdoc they will try to give me the borderline talk (please spare me!)
I have been in and out of sleep all day. Tried chatting online with a friend that I havent' seen for about 8 years (been that long since I left my family and that coast behind and I have never been back). It just left me frustrated because he was trying to ask questions about my deporession and is scoffing at my meds and my seking of meds. Whatever! He should be on them too, I think that is why he is reacting that way.
Ugh... I think if I could somehow be unconscious through all of this it would not be as bad. This walk through Hell with my eyes wide open, fully cognizant, is what is most painful for me I think. Damn. I'm just getting so tired of it, and so tired of heaing myself talk about it.
Yet I sit here, immobilized. God I need new meds.
Listen, if and when I do check in, I will try to have a friend post it here if I can't get access in the hosp.
Hope you have a good Monday - and thanks for caring.
-Shelley
Posted by Kath on June 12, 2000, at 9:55:53
In reply to Well, i feel whiny!, posted by me-but-not-me on June 12, 2000, at 3:58:29
Hi Shelley, Glad to hear from you. I'm thinkin' of ya'. Re: your old friend, I think people can't begin to understand about depression if they haven't experienced it. Sounds to me like you're really trying to take good care of yourself & are doing pretty well at it!! What type of books do you like to read? Do you like ficiton at all? I love reading & have just finished one that I really enjoyed alot. Let me know if you want any titles of books that I've enjoyed. It's okay to feel whiny. All feelings are okay - I'm just learning that! (Hey, guess what - even anger!!! - that's my big one to allow myself to feel.) Keep in touch and here's a hug from me. ( ) Kath.
> Hi, Kath and Shar-
>
> Yes, I went to the movie. I endured well-meaning chatter until it started, then -- during the movie, I went from being near catatonic to almost manic! It was the weirdest thing. When the movie ended, I parted from them and wanted to get raging drunk and break things. I stopped off to get something at a bookstore first and ended up finding good books and reading at a table there for hours. No boozing, no rioting! Very weird. I did end up cutting that night... though I don't do it nearly as often as I used to. But now I have fresh ones, so if I do go to the hospital or even try to get a new pdoc they will try to give me the borderline talk (please spare me!)
>
> I have been in and out of sleep all day. Tried chatting online with a friend that I havent' seen for about 8 years (been that long since I left my family and that coast behind and I have never been back). It just left me frustrated because he was trying to ask questions about my deporession and is scoffing at my meds and my seking of meds. Whatever! He should be on them too, I think that is why he is reacting that way.
>
> Ugh... I think if I could somehow be unconscious through all of this it would not be as bad. This walk through Hell with my eyes wide open, fully cognizant, is what is most painful for me I think. Damn. I'm just getting so tired of it, and so tired of heaing myself talk about it.
>
> Yet I sit here, immobilized. God I need new meds.
>
> Listen, if and when I do check in, I will try to have a friend post it here if I can't get access in the hosp.
>
> Hope you have a good Monday - and thanks for caring.
>
> -Shelley
Posted by shar on June 12, 2000, at 22:54:20
In reply to Re: Well, i feel whiny! » me-but-not-me, posted by Kath on June 12, 2000, at 9:55:53
Hi, Shelley.
You showed a lot of strength to get it together and go out. I know how hard that can be.
Whining must have a special meaning for you. Is it "whining" when you express any kind of feeling that is not upbeat? I always think of 5-year-olds at the store when I think of whining. They are excellent at it! "But, Moommmmmm, I haaavveeeee to geeettttt itt todayyyyyyyyyy."
You are among people here that can accept you where you are, and probably have experienced many of the emotions you talk about--feeling down/manic/enraged/whiny. I always reserve the right to have my own feelings, especially the right to feel sorry for myself. Life is tough, if I don't feel sorry for myself, who will?
Tonight in my counseling group we were being annoyed, and I told one woman that it really annoyed me that she would take care of so many people, meet other people's needs, but not take care of herself (she has an eating disorder). I said that because no matter why she did that, I was concerned about her health and well-being and I care about her, but nothing I said made a difference; if I asked her to take time off or whatever.
I am not annoyed at you, but I bet you spend a lot of time taking care of others, and stuffing your own feelings. So I wish you golden opportunities to heal, feel better, and take care of yourself. Even if you are whiny, manic, angry, sad, ashamed, etc.
I'm very glad you will have a friend get in touch if you can't do it from the hospital if you go. I haven't been in the hospital before. It would seem to me you'd want to go when you have symptoms so you would get the proper treatment. No? Maybe I am missing something?
Take care
xoxo
S
Posted by Oddzilla on June 15, 2000, at 10:34:48
In reply to Well, i feel whiny!, posted by me-but-not-me on June 12, 2000, at 3:58:29
Hi Shelley- how are things going? It's my day off and it's raining so I don't have to feel guilty about not cutting my grass and that gives me something to be happpy about.
Is anything good coming from the medicine yet? I understand how you feel with all the moods coming and going so fast and still feeling immobilized.
Do you have any other options beside going to the hospital? Are you still considering that?
I relate to your apartment problems too. I think there is some kind of connection between plumbing problems and depression. My shower is leaking and ruining the plaster under the wall paper which it's peeling off. I bought some caulking to try to fix it months ago and still haven't done anything. Your friends seem pretty understanding do you think they could help you straighten the place up?
What did you read at the bookstore?
I don't blame you for wanting to avoid the borderline label. I think its about outlived its usefulness. I read that some people consider it a form of bipolar now. Maybe thinking of it that way would give you some medication ideas.
As always, please ignore anything intrusive or insensitive that I might have written. Oddzilla has no social skills but she means well and is wishing you well-O.
>
Posted by me-but-not-me on June 15, 2000, at 11:57:12
In reply to Re: Well, i feel whiny! » me-but-not-me, posted by Oddzilla on June 15, 2000, at 10:34:48
Sorry I haven't posted for a few days... I had some really down days when I didn't even want to turn the computer on. But, I persisted in finding a new Pdoc on a morning when I woke with enough energy to do so and had my first visit. I think I'll be able to work with him. He wants me to stop taking the Effexor (I am on Celexa and BuSpar, too) and add Neurontin. He initially suggested Lithobid but I have gained so much weight already, and I don't think I could keep absolute compliance with lithium, with all the blood draws and side effects. He was incredulous as to why my previous doc failed to notice my obvious (to him) bipolar tendencies and why I was not on a mood stabilizer.
I just took my 3rd dose, and I am at work and feeling a little drowsy but ok. I woke with a really dry mouth.
As for the books I read that day, well- I am fascinated by psychology, and I like to read forensic psychiatry stuff. That was one book ... The others were : "Fit fot Life:A New Beginning", and some books by Gary Null. I don't read fiction very often, but I did like "The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing" by Melissa Bank.
Gotta go for now - I am nodding off slighly from the Neurontin....zz...zzzz.zzzzz...zz.zzzzz..zzz : )
Posted by Sara T on June 15, 2000, at 12:46:26
In reply to Doing better!, posted by me-but-not-me on June 15, 2000, at 11:57:12
> Sorry I haven't posted for a few days... I had some really down days when I didn't even want to turn the computer on. But, I persisted in finding a new Pdoc on a morning when I woke with enough energy to do so and had my first visit. I think I'll be able to work with him. He wants me to stop taking the Effexor (I am on Celexa and BuSpar, too) and add Neurontin. He initially suggested Lithobid but I have gained so much weight already, and I don't think I could keep absolute compliance with lithium, with all the blood draws and side effects. He was incredulous as to why my previous doc failed to notice my obvious (to him) bipolar tendencies and why I was not on a mood stabilizer.
>
> I just took my 3rd dose, and I am at work and feeling a little drowsy but ok. I woke with a really dry mouth.
>
> As for the books I read that day, well- I am fascinated by psychology, and I like to read forensic psychiatry stuff. That was one book ... The others were : "Fit fot Life:A New Beginning", and some books by Gary Null. I don't read fiction very often, but I did like "The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing" by Melissa Bank.
>
> Gotta go for now - I am nodding off slighly from the Neurontin....zz...zzzz.zzzzz...zz.zzzzz..zzz : )I haen't posted to you for a while, but I've been following your thread. I gotta hand it to you, you've hung in there. Congrats! You've kept going and its been rough for you. I don't have much of my own to add to what's already been said, but I just wanted to add my encouragement and delight in seeing that you're doing better and making some progress.
Sara T.
Posted by Kath on June 15, 2000, at 12:54:47
In reply to Doing better!, posted by me-but-not-me on June 15, 2000, at 11:57:12
Hi Shelley - am just quickly checking the posts before I pack my car to go on my camping trip. Best of luck with your new doc. Take good care of yourself. You're in my thoughts.
Kath
Sorry I haven't posted for a few days... I had some really down days when I didn't even want to turn the computer on. But, I persisted in finding a new Pdoc on a morning when I woke with enough energy to do so and had my first visit. I think I'll be able to work with him. He wants me to stop taking the Effexor (I am on Celexa and BuSpar, too) and add Neurontin. He initially suggested Lithobid but I have gained so much weight already, and I don't think I could keep absolute compliance with lithium, with all the blood draws and side effects. He was incredulous as to why my previous doc failed to notice my obvious (to him) bipolar tendencies and why I was not on a mood stabilizer.
>
> I just took my 3rd dose, and I am at work and feeling a little drowsy but ok. I woke with a really dry mouth.
>
> As for the books I read that day, well- I am fascinated by psychology, and I like to read forensic psychiatry stuff. That was one book ... The others were : "Fit fot Life:A New Beginning", and some books by Gary Null. I don't read fiction very often, but I did like "The Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing" by Melissa Bank.
>
> Gotta go for now - I am nodding off slighly from the Neurontin....zz...zzzz.zzzzz...zz.zzzzz..zzz : )
This is the end of the thread.
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