![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Abby on April 27, 2000, at 10:58:11
Okay, I know that for most people family history is a genetic question, and I believe this has a lot of merit, but once you get somewhat beyond that and are medicated, how do you think your family and childhood shaped you? How many people had parents who were quite ill? And what have you managed to learn either on your own or through psycotherapy that you didn't feel you learned as a child as far as social interaction goes?
Thanks,
Abby
Posted by harry b. on April 27, 2000, at 15:06:24
In reply to Family Histories, posted by Abby on April 27, 2000, at 10:58:11
> Okay, I know that for most people family history is a genetic question, and I believe this has a lot of merit, but once you get somewhat beyond that and are medicated, how do you think your family and childhood shaped you? How many people had parents who were quite ill? And what have you managed to learn either on your own or through psycotherapy that you didn't feel you learned as a child as far as social interaction goes?
>
> Thanks,
> Abby**************************************************
Hi Abby,Reaching into that slimy can of worms can be very
uncomfortable.Without going into much detail:
1) my father died (accident) when I was 5yo
2) my mother was VERY promiscious and absent(this is one reason I've searched for love from
a surrogate family)During therapy, the greatest lesson I've learned
is to be aware of and to erect AND LOWER appropriate
boundaries.
Posted by medlib on April 27, 2000, at 16:22:47
In reply to Family Histories, posted by Abby on April 27, 2000, at 10:58:11
> Okay, I know that for most people family history is a genetic question, and I believe this has a lot of merit, but once you get somewhat beyond that and are medicated, how do you think your family and childhood shaped you? How many people had parents who were quite ill? And what have you managed to learn either on your own or through psycotherapy that you didn't feel you learned as a child as far as social interaction goes?
>
> Thanks,
> Abby*************************
Abby--What an interesting topic/question; I bet it'll produce a long, fascinating thread!
My parents were perfectly normal; Father was a civic leader, Mother was a housewife, hostess, and club leader. Both were well-educated, intelligent, socially successful and in love with each other. They produced two weird, socially dysfunctional, mentally ill kids--genetics is a real crapshoot (one more reason why the eugenics movement never had a chance). Their notions about parenting were, perhaps, a little atypical. Mother thought her role was to perfect the raw material she had been given; she was ladylike and gentle in her corrections, but was always ever-so-slightly dissatisfied. She never "owned" any negative emotions. Denial worked fine for her, but, often, it left her kids "down the rabbit hole" where nothing was what it seemed. Father thought his job was to instruct on matters of morality and philosophy. Altho there was great warmth between my parents, it didn't seem to extend to the kids. Probably they shouldn't have had children. They did everything right--it just wasn't experienced as nurturing. My brother had a psychotic break at l6 and is Bipolar I. I began dealing with depression in my teens and had my first major depressive episode at 21--I'm a double depressive.
Certainly my childhood experiences of family shaped my view of reality. I decided very early that reality is nothing more than contextual, consensual delusion (altho I wouldn't have used those terms then). Contextual because everything we perceive as "real" is powerfully affected by our internal (expectations, experiences) or our external (social) environment, or both. For example, at age 4 my brother spent many hours pouring over diagrams of mechanical objects in a science encyclopedia. My parents thought his fascination was "cute." When I told them that he wasn't just looking at the pictures, he was reading the text, they absolutely refused to believe me. When he, reluctantly, read them a few sentences, they agreed that I must have told him earlier. Their shared reality simply couldn't accomodate a 4 year-old mechanical genius. So, consensual, because people seem to have a strong bias toward conforming to (or resisting) a shared reality. Delusion? However a perception of reality is arrived at, each individual is convinced that his view is the only correct one. Remember "Rashomon"? Each witness saw the same event differently. One reality per customer, at least until they get together and begin the process of contructing some shared realities.
What has therapy taught me? That most parents parent out of their own realities; most aren't deliberately harmful, just unable to operate out of a reality shared with their kids. That, with all the insight and hindsight in the world, the best one can hope for is to make different mistakes. Expectations of perfection are a pernicious delusion. That the hand you got dealt is yours to play, hold, or fold. Just don't waste time expecting a redeal because the Dealer wasn't fair; accept the cards you have and learn to play them better. Socially, my parents wasted their efforts on a lost cause; that just wasn't a card either I or my brother got dealt.
Neither was brevity,--medlib
Posted by allisonm on April 27, 2000, at 21:14:24
In reply to Family Histories, posted by Abby on April 27, 2000, at 10:58:11
>>how do you think your family and childhood shaped you? And what have you managed to learn either on your own or through psycotherapy that you didn't feel you learned as a child as far as social interaction goes?<<
I wish I could tell you. I feel I'm just scratching the surface. My parents never should have had me. My mother's parents never should have had my mother. My grandmother's pregnancy was not planned and my mother knew it but also felt it all her life through her relationships with her parents.
My mother told me on several occasions that she knew she was marrying the wrong man but was afraid to back out and went through with the wedding anyway. They divorced when I was 4. My mom and I went back to live with her parents, who were heavy drinkers.
My grandmother ran the household and managed our lives to minute detail. She was extremely controlling, using saccharine whines at first. If that didn't work it was on to heavy guilt and if necessary, screaming or physical abuse. My mother became an alcoholic. Started drinking heavily and falling down at night before I was school-age. She was hospitalized 2 weeks with cirrhosis when I was 12. That was after a time that we had been living on our own in my grandmother's house while my grandparents wintered in Florida. It became apparent that my mother could not function on her own. We moved to Florida into my grandmother's hell on earth and my mother never escaped. Grandmother died in 1982 while I was in college. Mom was hospitalized again with cirrhosis in 1987 after my grandfather died and she really was alone. She and I and my ex-husband suffered 10 years through her alcoholism and declining health until she finally died in 1998 at age 62. Her alcoholism kept her from being mother. Most of the time she was not there for me. She couldn't be.
My father is controlling, but distant at the same time. He doesn't know how to show affection. He never marrried again. Has never been able to maintain a longterm relationship. Always has immersed himself in work. Work always comes first. Always. My husband of 12 years left me almost 2 years ago. I have learned not to trust anyone.
While growing up the only way to get affection in my family was to comply, be good, do what they wanted or suffer the wrath of my grandmother. It's similar with my dad except he tries to bribe me first, then makes life miserable if he doesn't get what he wants.
I have spent years minimizing myself trying to keep people happy because it appears I cannot tolerate them being disappointed in me. I have been a perfectionist all my life. I was valedictorian of my high school class and an honors student in college. My mother used to tell me stories about how when I was small, when I knew I'd done something wrong I would punish myself -- hitting myself with a hairbrush before my mother even had a chance to come after me. I still do this, but in quieter ways through thought. I hate myself a lot of the time for how I look, what I've done or haven't done, or said or haven't said, real or perceived. I am always checking myself for offenses. I lambaste myself continually in a neverending tape loop in my head.
In psychotherapy I am just now seeing this longstanding need to keep people happy and am trying to learn how not to be bothered so much if I can't. I am struggling to think now about what I really "want" or what I really "want" to do. I have always thought in terms of what I "should" do. I don't know how I am going to break out of this. It has gone on for so long.
As far as social interaction goes, I feel pretty incapable of even trying to have a relationship with someone new. I have little experience with "healthy" relationships and with my track record, have little hope that I might find one. I don't know that I know how to have one.
Posted by Kathie on April 28, 2000, at 20:54:29
In reply to Re: Family Histories, posted by allisonm on April 27, 2000, at 21:14:24
allisonm,
Wow, crappy childhood, huh!! I think my childhood was a little better than yours. My parents are relatively normal, although my father was very controlling with my mother and after 16 years of marriage she left him. I was 15 at the time and the impact of their divorce was far more damaging than the discord in their marriage. I have one sister 9 years younger and 1 brother 4 years younger, my brother and I stayed with my dad and my little sister went with my mom. My life has been fairly hellish since my parents divorced..my mother is on her 4th husband now...I hated my Dad's wife for many many years...but now I have a good relationship with her, but it was a big struggle getting here! I got pregnant and married young...18....and separated at 21 with 2 small children. I struggled horribly being a single mother and moved 7 times in two years. I ended up marrying again at 24 and had 2 more children. My new husband suffers from seasonal depression and every winter I hate him a little more, plus I don't think he recovers totally in the summer anymore and he is getting harder and harder to live with, plus he drinks and smokes a lot of dope..my oldest child turned into an animal at age 12 and only now at 21 (after being in jail twice, in the state's care for some time, a mother at 16, and giving her baby up for adoption when the baby was 3 years old) is she finally starting to "see the light" and grow up a little. And I wonder how I ended up with depression?????
Anyways, I think the stability of my childhood being shattered so completely at 15 years old really messed with my emotional health and helped me make some really poor choices in life, choices I was unprepared to deal with. I think all I ever wanted was the bliss that was my childhood back and it never did return. I know both of my parents love me and neither of them interfere with my life now, they help when I need the help (ie: after my house burned down), and I am close to both of them and I don't blame them for the hell they made my teen years....I have learned that people are people, even if they are your parents and they can make mistakes as well. But boy their mistakes can sure take a toll on the kids.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Medication | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.