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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Donut on February 17, 2000, at 17:23:16
I have a long history of depression and am now on Effexor XR and Buspar. My mom died in her sleep two weeks ago (my last surviving parent). I cried a lot when I was back at the funeral, but I feel very at peace with her death. I don't think I have unresolved issues with her and I know she is in a good place and at peace. My sister has attacked my viciously, though. She is an attorney and in charge of the estate and is trying to do everything she can to hurt me. Yet I still feel rather calm about all of this. Am I in denial or could it be true that all the work I have done in the past years is really helping make peace with all of this?
Posted by bob on February 17, 2000, at 17:58:09
In reply to Can you lose a parent and not go into depression?, posted by Donut on February 17, 2000, at 17:23:16
Hmm, isn't "being hurtful" a requirement for being an attorney?
Sorry, it was an opening asking for a punch(line).
Yes, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be at peace and feel that you've resolved what you've needed. Particularly if you have a history of treatment, not just a history of depression. How about your sister? Seeing as depression is often a family affair, what's her history and (if she has one of depression but not of treatment) could this be her acting out against you because of it?
A couple other things are also perfectly reasonable. (1) You may not be done grieving, and issues may pop up that couldn't find room while your mother was alive. Don't be surprised if they do, and don't be disappointed or feel like a failure in what you have accomplished to this point. (2) Different people deal with grief in different ways. The fact that people in the same family, even siblings, can deal with it in very different ways can be unsettling to those who don't take it well.
Here's a book to read -- you may want to buy your sister a copy as well. I recommend it to anyone who has suffered this sort of loss. The book is "City of One" by Francine Cournos, a psychiatrist at Columbia. It's her memoir of being orphaned at an early age and how it affected her life. It was published last year and, depending on the bookstore, you might find it in the Memoirs/Autodbiographies, Biographies, or Psychology section. I think she shares a lot of wisdom on dealing with the catastrophic loss the death of a family member can be.
I hope it helps ... maybe your sister can get some message from a stranger that she can't hear from a sister. And don't let her problems get between the peace between you and your mother.
bob
Posted by Noa on February 17, 2000, at 18:44:35
In reply to Re: Can you lose a parent and not go into depression?, posted by bob on February 17, 2000, at 17:58:09
I agree--everyone grieves differently. And your grieving process can change over time. There is no right or wrong way. Be aware that "stuff" might come up, or might not. It comes up when it's ready.
And it is definitely possible to endure such a loss without being depressed. Sadness and grief and loss are experienced differently by different people, and there are many for whom these are very distinct from depression.
Is there a family friend that can be around to help defuse the intensity between you and your sister and just help deal with some of the logistics? Also, often it helps to wait a little while to deal with some of those logistics, like estate, or cleaning out house, etc. If the circumstances allow it, it could help to wait and give both of you some time just to let the whole thing sink in.
Posted by Janice on February 18, 2000, at 16:08:49
In reply to Can you lose a parent and not go into depression?, posted by Donut on February 17, 2000, at 17:23:16
Most definately Donut! My father's death was a great relief for me.
The only thing I don't like hearing is "My sister...attacked...viciously...an attorney in charge of the estate...trying to hurt me" in one paragraph.
I think you're in for some trouble with her.
You really find out the true nature of your relationships with your siblings after the death of a parent. Janice.
This is the end of the thread.
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