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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
It's my birthday and I am depressed. Not severely, but enough to have difficulty getting off my bum and out of the house. I don't feel particularly celebratory. All I can think about is how messed up my life is and all the things I need to do to clean up after the mess I've made during my depression. When the depression starts to lift a bit, it feels like waking up inside the hole I've dug for myself, and although I may no longer feel like digging myself deeper, I really don't know how the hell to get out of it and back to the surface to start building a life.
When at the worst stages of depression, I am consumed with self-loathing and the desire to disappear. Where I am now, at this stage of the depression, when it has just started to lift, the self-loathing dissipates somewhat, and I want to go on with life, but I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed.
Intellectually, I know what could help (keeping busy and active), but I can't motivate myself to get into gear and make it happen.
Posted by Phil on August 29, 1999, at 12:17:41
In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
> It's my birthday and I am depressed. Not severely, but enough to have difficulty getting off my bum and out of the house. I don't feel particularly celebratory. All I can think about is how messed up my life is and all the things I need to do to clean up after the mess I've made during my depression. When the depression starts to lift a bit, it feels like waking up inside the hole I've dug for myself, and although I may no longer feel like digging myself deeper, I really don't know how the hell to get out of it and back to the surface to start building a life.
>
> When at the worst stages of depression, I am consumed with self-loathing and the desire to disappear. Where I am now, at this stage of the depression, when it has just started to lift, the self-loathing dissipates somewhat, and I want to go on with life, but I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed.
>
> Intellectually, I know what could help (keeping busy and active), but I can't motivate myself to get into gear and make it happen.>>Your post really touched me. I feel the same way so much of the time. Birthday's are hide out time for me and , besides work, I isolate alot.
I am 46 and a nice looking guy, good sense of humor; people enjoy being around me but I don't really care if I see them or not. I have to force myself to move but usually don't. I've always had some control and trust issues but most of all...deep down, I feel I don't deserve better.
I have low expectations from life and that's not easy to change. Gotta go to work..Hang in there,
Phil
Posted by Dee on August 29, 1999, at 13:00:12
In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
I hear you. My birthday was a month ago, and the way I have been isolating since thanksgiving (!) I didn't have anybody to tell even. I felt like being 38 was a threshold, and it would be downhill straight to death with loneliness, depression and pain.
I guess it's pretty usual even with ‘normal' people that holidays, birthdays etc. kick up lots of dust. After all we have been brainwashed to think that we MUST be so @#$%ing merry. And we are not. I stay home Saturday nights for I cannot bear watching all the happy couples who, I think, have everything I wish I had.
Yes, we live definitely in an evil cycle. I cannot keep a job when I am depressed, and it comes time for the depression to lift, I am depressed just for the bills that have piled up, for not daring to get out of my apartment for fear of needing to confront the landlord, for not one person to talk to after all the isolation and the swinging mood, not knowing what to do next, feeling just physically sick after hiding in my bedroom for weeks eating junk food and not exercising, and just the deep frustration of knowing that whatever I will build when I feel better, I will tear down when I get worse. Now wouldn't something like that drive anyone to be depressed!
I am just now trying to make a change on my coping skills along with getting on medication for the first time (I know I should have done that a long time ago, but I haven't been really informed about all this.) Luckily in NYC I can get both therapy and medication on a sliding scale, which in my current situation is free... I said that in case there is someone reading this who, like I used to, is not getting the help they need because of $$$, please keep checking ALL the options, there's always something. I figured that if I change, my life will have to change as well.
Yeah, easy for me to say when I am out of the pit...I guess what I am trying to say in a very unstructured way here is that the down that comes along with real issues we haven't dealt with is a part of life, and if we didn't feel down then I think there would really be something wrong with us. Of course it is not fair that coming out of the depression we have to be so overwhelmed with everything left undone, and cannot even really enjoy the few good days we might otherwise have... But you know what, don't waste your time asking for justice that isn't there, just enjoy your day regardless! You've paid for it. Put in your best effort to clean up the mess, then lean back, chill out and think about what you are accomplishing. How many of the ‘normal' people you think would be able to cope with what you're going through?
(I hope I am making sense... I find it kind of hard to write when the text is scrolling out of the window.)Happy birthday, be kind to yourself
Dee
Posted by Yardena on August 29, 1999, at 16:23:54
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Dee on August 29, 1999, at 13:00:12
Noa,
I can certainly relate to everything you wrote. Hang in there. You came to a good place for support.
Posted by Ruth on August 29, 1999, at 21:32:08
In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
I wish I had words that would help. I can relate to your experience of waking up and seeing what has become of me. I do believe it is better to be at that point then in the darkest hole of this illness. But it is hard. I guess all of us would like to believe that there isn't a "cost" of the illness, but there is. I don't have a good answer to how to begin to tackle the issues that await, but I know that there is no alternative so I try to pick away at small pieces that hopefully eventually add up. I wish you well.
> It's my birthday and I am depressed. Not severely, but enough to have difficulty getting off my bum and out of the house. I don't feel particularly celebratory. All I can think about is how messed up my life is and all the things I need to do to clean up after the mess I've made during my depression. When the depression starts to lift a bit, it feels like waking up inside the hole I've dug for myself, and although I may no longer feel like digging myself deeper, I really don't know how the hell to get out of it and back to the surface to start building a life.
>
> When at the worst stages of depression, I am consumed with self-loathing and the desire to disappear. Where I am now, at this stage of the depression, when it has just started to lift, the self-loathing dissipates somewhat, and I want to go on with life, but I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed.
>
> Intellectually, I know what could help (keeping busy and active), but I can't motivate myself to get into gear and make it happen.
Posted by Dee on August 29, 1999, at 23:24:31
In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
Hey Noa,
Just came by when I noticed that today's another day... I am starting my new job tomorrow & of course I am kicking. But that is a good kind of kicking, I guess. At least I know the reason & know the best way to deal with it is as simple as to show up tomorrow morning and eventually I will ask myself what was the big deal about that.
I hope this will be a good day for all of us. I have been thinking about you all day, and I will keep checking for news from you.
Love
Dee
Posted by Dee on August 29, 1999, at 23:25:54
In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
I'm sorry... I just noticed that I keep talking about myself all the time!
Posted by Noa on August 30, 1999, at 5:27:55
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Dee on August 29, 1999, at 23:25:54
Thanks to everyone for your support. It's now the day after my birthday. It's 6:21 AM and I have to scramble to do laundry so I can have something clean to wear to work, something I should have done yesterday, of course, but could't get out of my pj's and organize myself to do. I'm not sure I can do it now, either, but if I don't I can't go to work, and today there is lot to do at work, to prep for an important meeting on Tuesday. I just want to go back to sleep.....So, this is what depression is all about, huh? The suspense-filled questions of "will she do the laundry, or will she go back to bed and call in sick? stay tuned...."
Posted by Roo on August 30, 1999, at 7:09:45
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 30, 1999, at 5:27:55
Noa,
Sometimes it's a relief when the birthday is finally
over, eh? Less pressure to have to feel like it
should be a happy day...(I've felt that anyway)..
Your birthday was the day after mine....I think
sometimes we Virgo's have a really hard time with
self doubt and self loathing. Perfectionism is
our big demon. In it's worst form it completely
paralyzes us from doing anything at all b/c what's
the point if it's not perfect. We set ourselves up
for failure this way. Virgo's main task, therefore,
is to learn to love themselves, unconditionally,
exactly as they are RIGHT NOW--...It's the hardest
task in the world for me. I had a really weird
dilemna on my birthday--my boyfriend totally treated
me like a queen--roses, baked a cake, out to dinner,]
presents--he totally did it up. And I had a really
hard time with that--I felt guilty and unworthy, I beat
myself up saying "Damn Ruth, why can't you just
ENJOY it!". Sometimes I just have a really hard
time being happyt=--it's like I don't know HOW...
Anyway, there's a mix of astrology and confession
for you--Roo
Posted by Dee on August 30, 1999, at 20:32:30
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 30, 1999, at 5:27:55
I hope you got your laundry done... I haven't done mine for some time (out of fear that I might runto the landlord) and I'm starting to feel anxious just looking at that pile of dirt in my apartment. It's a drag but someone's got to drag it.
Love
Dee
Posted by Sofia on August 31, 1999, at 21:43:06
In reply to It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 29, 1999, at 11:42:46
> When at the worst stages of depression, I am consumed with self-loathing and the desire to disappear. Where I am now, at this stage of the depression, when it has just started to lift, the self-loathing dissipates somewhat, and I want to go on with life, but I feel incredibly sad and overwhelmed.
>
Happy Belated Birthday, Noa! :)
God loves you so much, Noa...please hang in there. You are precious in His sight. You are like a little lamb that lost its way and got tangled in the brush. You lost your way and ended up in the mire. Nevertheless, there is hope. Noa, God loves you and like a Good Shepherd, he longs to take you, a broken little lamb, and restore you. Noa, God wants to restore you. Won't you let Him?Hear His voice: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matthew 12:28-30
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Peace to you. Sofia.
Posted by bones on August 31, 1999, at 22:29:04
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on August 30, 1999, at 5:27:55
You guys are the greatest. Such courage. You're depressed up to your eyeballs - but still have this amazing sense of humor.
xxxooo
> Thanks to everyone for your support. It's now the day after my birthday. It's 6:21 AM and I have to scramble to do laundry so I can have something clean to wear to work, something I should have done yesterday, of course, but could't get out of my pj's and organize myself to do. I'm not sure I can do it now, either, but if I don't I can't go to work, and today there is lot to do at work, to prep for an important meeting on Tuesday. I just want to go back to sleep.....So, this is what depression is all about, huh? The suspense-filled questions of "will she do the laundry, or will she go back to bed and call in sick? stay tuned...."
Posted by Ian on September 1, 1999, at 15:35:56
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Yardena on August 29, 1999, at 16:23:54
Strange how its comforting to know that others are depressed when you are too.I've been often amivalent about life for seven years relating to conitive problems I've had, but thats another story. I know what helps me yet I fail to maintain a routine. From student days I know I was much more bouyant than my sedentry counterparts in the bleak months of Jan and Feb when I was rugby training five times a week. As for life sh** happens, I suppose I could have been crushed to death or permanently incapacitated in a Turkish earthquake or suffer from a nasty malignancy,however its still hard when you see other people apparently enjoying life to the full. I suppose the moral to my first comment is if something works keep doing it and keep using the laterality in your mind to work out the best system to help you cope.
Hang in there from a comrade in desolation
Posted by Noa on September 1, 1999, at 18:50:45
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by bones on August 31, 1999, at 22:29:04
> You guys are the greatest. Such courage. You're depressed up to your eyeballs - but still have this amazing sense of humor.
>
I love that phrase--"depressed up to your eyeballs". And thanks for pointing out the sense of humor we all have. Sometimes I forget that it is there but being able to laugh at myself and sometimes being able to make a sick joke about my depression, often helps to lighten up at least a moment. When it is gone is when I know I am in BIG trouble.
Posted by Noa on September 1, 1999, at 18:52:17
In reply to Re: It's my birthday and I'm depressed......, posted by Noa on September 1, 1999, at 18:50:45
BTW, I am feeling a bit better. Still buried under the piles of things to do, but able to be distracted by work and other things. It's those damn weeknends.
This is the end of the thread.
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