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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 1:47:11
In reply to Re: I finally stopped eating! » Deneb, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2010, at 23:02:46
I wasn't angry at pdoc because she is right. I CAN stand to lose a few pounds. She just wants me to be healthy and I was getting overweight.
The problem with me and dieting is that it triggers the ED in me. It always starts out healthy, but soon things deteriorate.
I've been bad, today was day 2 of eating 300 kcal per day. Yesterday I ate about 250, today 316. I'm afraid to eat more.
I think my period is late. I was supposed to get it on the 20th. I'm way too fat for missed periods though, it must be from stress or something.
I've been bad. I've been feeding my unhealthy behaviours. I look at thinspiration several times a day. It helps me not eat.
I don't think pdoc is going to be pleased. I'm back to losing weight though. I was 116.6 pounds today.
Well, at least I'm working on getting a career. Maybe pdoc will overlook the bad things I did these two weeks and focus on the good things I did.
I'm feeling optimistic about this career counseling. I did my first homework today and see my counselor next Thurs. I have to do research on what I can do with my degree.
Posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 17:55:22
In reply to Losing weight again, posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 1:47:11
My weight loss is still going well but I'm not doing it in a very healthy way. All I had today was 2 cups of coffee. I will have 2 zucchini later and maybe a low fat turkey sausage.
It's interesting to note that the less I eat, the less appetite I have. I feel really in control right now.
I know I can't do this forever, but I am still far far far from underweight so it is OK for now. I will need to go on a healthy eating plan once I get down to 90 pounds. I'm really hoping I will be thin enough at 90 pounds because that is the lowest healthy weight for me.
I'm so short however, that I may need to weigh less to look thin. I think I will weight train and build up muscle when I get to 90 pounds so that I can get thinner without losing weight. Maybe I will even gain weight.
As always, I am taking my vitamins, minerals and fish oil daily so I will not get malnourished.
I think I am finally seeing a bit of progress on my belly fat. It is still unsightly, but I *think* it may be getting smaller. I know I need to be rid of this belly fat.
It is just amazing how much fat I have at this weight. I must have been huge at 132. I seriously have a lot of back fat and my legs and arms are way thick. I really hope I don't have to lose too much weight to look thin enough. I don't want to be unhealthy.
I thought I was going to see pdoc on Tues, but it was my mistake, it's Weds. I hope pdoc will be pleased that I am no longer obese.
She will not be pleased with my 300 kcal/day diet though. She thinks 1000 kcal/day is too low! I will increase my calories once I make up for my binges. I seriously ate like close to 3000 kcal on my 5 binge days.
My average daily calorie counts are way high right now. I need to get them down.
Posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 4:44:05
In reply to Weight loss is going well, posted by Deneb on September 24, 2010, at 17:55:22
I just read about a woman who has heart damage from having anorexia even though she is normal weight now.
I've been assuming that the body won't turn to the heart muscle for fuel unless all your fat stores are gone. Is this true? It just doesn't make sense for the body to use the heart as fuel when there is still so much fat!
I know I don't have anorexia, but I am eating like one temporarily.
Posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 7:33:02
In reply to Scared now, don't want to die!, posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 4:44:05
Instead of 5 days at 350 kcal and less, I decided to only do 3 days. I didn't sleep today and the hunger was unbearable. I ate 186g sweet potato, but 20 mins after eating it I got hungry again. So then I ate 188g barley and 126g turkey sausage. So far today I've had 628 kcal. I think I am finally satisfied. I will try hard to stay under 1000 kcal today and exercise at the Y today.
People fast for days at a time with no harm done so I'm sure eating less than 350 kcal for 3 days is not going to harm me. I need to think rationally about things and not let my hypochondria get the best of me.
Posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 16:27:55
In reply to NVM OK now, posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 7:33:02
I was being frustrating last session and deluding myself that I was doing CR. I kept telling pdoc she was wrong. I should just trust her. I know she has my best interests at heart and she knows me well.
I was just awful.
Pdoc is right, I'm probably on my way to developing bulimia again. Seems like this time I don't really purge, but restrict instead.
Posted by Deneb on September 26, 2010, at 16:30:18
In reply to I think I will apologize to pdoc, posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 16:27:55
I think I've discovered a way to "trick" myself into following a healthy balanced diet. How? For my hair.
All the health risks of an ultra low calorie diet, even the risk of sudden death, does not make me stop restricting, but when I think it might affect my hair negatively, that is another story.
It has been one year since I started growing my hair. Here is my hair back on Sept. 19, 2009.
http://i651.photobucket.com/albums/uu236/Denebie/Sept192009hairlength-1.jpg
Here is my hair today, Sept. 26, 2010
http://i651.photobucket.com/albums/uu236/Denebie/Sept262010-1.jpg
My hair is healthy, shiny and long and I don't want to jepordize that. I will eat healthy for the sake of my hair. I want to grow my hair to terminal length.
Posted by Deneb on September 27, 2010, at 10:15:01
In reply to Will go back to healthy balanced diet, posted by Deneb on September 26, 2010, at 16:30:18
I've gained weight. I know rationally it can't be fat and must be water weight, but it is still freaking me out. I binged and ate 2000 kcal two days ago, but I am back to not eating much again. My plan is to just not eat anything today. Yesterday I had about 400 kcal.
I really don't want to lose my hair, but I also don't want to gain weight. I'm back to wanting to lose as much weight as I can before Weds. I'm a bit afraid to drink water too. I finally got my period and I think I am retaining water or something. I don't want to get heavier and heavier. Maybe I will drink a lot of caffeine to get rid of this water.
Posted by twinleaf on September 27, 2010, at 13:42:59
In reply to I have a problem, posted by Deneb on September 27, 2010, at 10:15:01
Hi Deneb, I have to admit to feeling very worried when you eat very little. You have been growing and overcoming difficulties ever since you started posting here, and have so much to be proud of. It would be awful to develop anorexia or bulimia now. Can you see pdoc more often, temporarily, or arrange to contact her by phone when you feel the need to restrict? She has always been understanding and helpful, from what I remember from your past posts.
Posted by Deneb on September 28, 2010, at 14:12:51
In reply to Re: I have a problem » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on September 27, 2010, at 13:42:59
I'm starting to get worried too. Last night I thought that maybe I should die from this. I'm really scared of finding a job and getting out there in the real world.
I weigh 115.2 pounds now. I want to lose a lot more. My BMI is above 18 even at 90 pounds. I started off at 132.
I spend most of my days sleeping because I am cold and tired. Our house is cold because we don't have the heat on yet.
Today is the 3rd day of eating no more than 350 kcal. I have no appetite at all. I need to remember to drink water because I think I get dehydrated sometimes. I also make sure to put a lot of salt on my vegetables because my salt intake is probably a lot lower now.
I'm really looking forward to seeing pdoc tomorrow. Maybe she can say something to help me. I also want to apologize to her for being right.
I really should go outside today. I think I'm getting a bit depressed. I don't feel like I want to live to 120 anymore.
I really hope I don't lose my hair. I'm taking prenatal vitamins. I hope they are enough nutrition for me.
Posted by twinleaf on September 28, 2010, at 17:57:17
In reply to Re: I have a problem, posted by Deneb on September 28, 2010, at 14:12:51
It's great that you are able to step back and understand what may really be bothering you. I'd be willing to bet that every one of us has had at least some of the same fears and uncertainties. But maybe you have some stronger than usual fears about failing, not being good enough, etc. You have everything you need to succeed. Would planning to have more intensive therapy when you start work be helpful? I'm under the impression that pdoc is connected with your university, so you can't have therapy with her now. Is that the case?
Posted by Deneb on September 28, 2010, at 18:16:59
In reply to Re: I have a problem » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on September 28, 2010, at 17:57:17
No, I don't think so, I think pdoc can still see me. She works with the University, but they serve the general public too. Pdoc never said she was going to abandon me once I get my degree.
I'm still seeing her now anyways, every 2 weeks.
I'm realizing that I have lost a lot of size. At my heaviest of 132, I was buying size 8's to grow into. They were a little bit big, but they were much more comfortable than size 6's, which were a bit too small.
I'm wearing my size 6 jeans today and they are really baggy now. I went to the mall to try on jeans. I tried on size 4 jeans and they were still baggy. Size 2 was a perfect fit for my legs, but the waist was a little bit big. I guess I would say I'm between a size 1 and 2 now. That sounds small, but I am really fat still. I really have a lot of fat.
It must be because I am so short. Other people look loads thinner than me. I'm a little worried that I will have trouble finding clothes that fit when I get down to 90 pounds. I mean, if I am a size 2 now, how small will I be when I get down to 90? Maybe I will have to shop in the children's section. :/
I also think the size of clothes has grown bigger over the years. A size 6 now is probably like a size 10 back then.
Posted by Glydin50 on September 28, 2010, at 19:42:57
In reply to Re: I have a problem » twinleaf, posted by Deneb on September 28, 2010, at 18:16:59
> I also think the size of clothes has grown bigger over the years. A size 6 now is probably like a size 10 back then.
>
>~~~ Oh I hope NOT... I really really hope not : (
Posted by glydin50 on September 29, 2010, at 10:33:20
In reply to I think I will apologize to pdoc, posted by Deneb on September 25, 2010, at 16:27:55
~~~ I would be interested in what your doc had to say and suggestions if you are willing to share them.
> I was being frustrating last session and deluding myself that I was doing CR. I kept telling pdoc she was wrong. I should just trust her. I know she has my best interests at heart and she knows me well.
>
> I was just awful.
>
> Pdoc is right, I'm probably on my way to developing bulimia again. Seems like this time I don't really purge, but restrict instead.
>
>
Posted by Deneb on September 29, 2010, at 16:31:19
In reply to Re: I think I will apologize to pdoc » Deneb, posted by glydin50 on September 29, 2010, at 10:33:20
Pdoc didn't weigh me, thank goodness. I got to the point of restricting water. She just asked me for my weight.
Pdoc seems to think this is all a control issue. She thinks it is good we caught my eating disorder early. She wants me to listen to my body. She thinks my weight is perfect right now and that I should maintain.
I decided to eat a healthy meal after seeing pdoc. I had a chicken pita sandwich at a Greek place. The thoughts of restricting are still strong. I don't know if I can keep this up.
Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 0:10:31
In reply to Saw pdoc, posted by Deneb on September 29, 2010, at 16:31:19
I hate this. My almost eating disorder is pushing my friends away. They don't want to hear me obsessing over my food and weight.
Food and weight are on my mind all the time now. I need to keep things to myself.
Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 12:18:50
In reply to I'm pushing friends away :-(, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 0:10:31
I've realized some things. For a while my excuse for not eating was that my ED voice told me to, but then I realized something, the ED voice IS me. I can control whether or not I listen to my ED voice. I'm not so deep into this that I can't find myself out.
I'm realizing that my obsession is pushing friends away and if I continue along this path, it will only lead to loniness and no life. I'm lucky to have friends who care enough about me to take active steps to not encourage my ED behaviours. I don't want to hurt my friends.
I'm also lucky to have pdoc with me, helping me to learn to live life.
I say I want to be 90 pounds but WHY do I want to be 90 pounds? Will I be any happier? My body has never been 90 pounds in my adult life, there is nothing natural about that weight for me. Pdoc, you're right, I'm not meant to be 90 pounds.
I think sometimes I think that if only I can be model thin, everything will be better. I will be successful and happy. In reality being thin doesn't have anything to do with success in life at all. You're right, I'm just diverting my attention away from the things that really matter to me.
I don't want to head down the ED path. I want to live and be happy and have friends. I don't want to be obssessed with my weight and unhealthy.
I need to stop going down this ED path now, as it will only get harder the further along I go in it.
I need to nourish my body with healthy food. Yesterday I wanted to restrict to 300 kcal again for 3 days, but today I went to career counseling and I thought of something besides food. I thought of my life and my career. I want to build my life. I chose to eat healthy today. I had a rice vermacelli and salmon wrap and a nonfat iced latte. I'm going to really try to eat a minimum of 1200 kcal of healthy foods and exercise a bit everyday.
I think it would be OK for me to lose a bit more weight, but nothing like 25 pounds. I think 100 would be a good weight for me. I can still lose weight healthily and slowly eating 1200 kcal each day.
I'm so lucky to have you on my side pdoc. (((((pdoc)))))
Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 20:03:25
In reply to For pdoc, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 12:18:50
I ate mostly healthy today, 1374 kcal. I did have some cheesecake. I also went to the Y and did 30 mins on the elliptical.
I feel bad right now, like I overate by a lot. I feel full and I hate it. I'm a bit distressed. I feel like I am gaining a lot of weight right now. I know it is irrational.
I honestly feel like purging a bit, but I won't. I hate this. Why can't I just eat normally now?
Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 21:36:59
In reply to Trying hard to be OK, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 20:03:25
I'm trying so hard to be OK with eating, but it's not working. I'm so scared right now. What if I can't pull myself out of this?
Help. I'm so scared.
Posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 9:13:15
In reply to I'm really scared :-(, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 21:36:59
Hi Deneb. This whole thread has been making me feel worried and uneasy. I am afraid that those of us who have responded to you out of caring and concern may unwittingly be making things harder for you, because we are paying attention to potentially dangerous behaviors. Our role should ideally be to support you in healthy behaviors, and we are always available for that. But to avoid negative reinforcement, perhaps this topic should be discussed only in your therapy discussions.
Do you think there might be a risky side to your discussing this topic here? Or am I worrying needlessly?
Posted by Glydin50 on October 2, 2010, at 14:14:45
In reply to Re: I'm really scared :-( » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 9:13:15
TL, you are spot on in the way I feel.
Deneb, I care for your wellbeing but will not do anything to enable the unhealthy and it's to the point I feel giving attention to this is counterproductive to support. Your therapist/pdoc or other RL support sources are the ones who should be handling and helping you manage this.
Posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 18:32:45
In reply to I'm really scared :-(, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 21:36:59
Deneb, I do hope you will comment about our concerns, even if only briefly. Thanks!
Posted by Deneb on October 3, 2010, at 20:04:20
In reply to Re: I'm really scared :-( » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 18:32:45
Nevermind, there is nothing to fear. I am a fat *ss and will forever be a fat *ss. I can't stop stuffing my face.
I don't think anyone can really encourage me to develop an ED. No worries.
If I develop binge eating disorder or bulimia or something, it will be because of me, not because someone positively reinforced it.
Posted by twinleaf on October 3, 2010, at 22:06:23
In reply to Nvm, nothing to fear, posted by Deneb on October 3, 2010, at 20:04:20
Thanks for posting, Deneb. I hope you can enjoy these years without undue worries about being either too fat or too thin - just your nice self!
Posted by Deneb on October 5, 2010, at 20:21:09
In reply to Re: Nvm, nothing to fear » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 3, 2010, at 22:06:23
I just found the most awesome noodles: Tofu Shirataki noodles! They are noodles made from a type of yam or something that is mostly fiber. They're really healthy and only 40 kcal for a whole package! They smell kind of nasty when you open up the package, but after rinsing them and boiling them, they just take on whatever flavours you are cooking with or adding to them.
I love them!
Posted by Deneb on October 8, 2010, at 21:37:22
In reply to I found the most awesome noodles!, posted by Deneb on October 5, 2010, at 20:21:09
I tried pan frying the shirataki noodles but it just shrunk them like 50% and made them very chewy. I didn't like it. Then I put way too much oyster sauce on them. I think I ate way too much salt. It was really salty but I ate it anyways because I'm too cheap to throw it out.
I just drank 5 mugs of water and am so bloated now! I think I just gained 10 pounds.
Tomorrow I will make a Mexican dish with shirataki noodles. I hope I like it!
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