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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 53. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:09
People I respect and look to as a grownup. Some of them are younger than I am. This shouldn't be a shock to me, yet it is. Surely somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this.
I find this really really upsetting. My therapist is smiling at my upset, so I'm not sure what he is thinking. He says that I don't have to be a grownup just because there are grownups older than me. That being grown up is not a function of age.
I really don't know why this has been upsetting me for days now. But it has.
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 12:44:29
In reply to There are grownups younger than me, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:09
Dinah know you are younger than me. But I'm shocked when I see Moms and families and docs that look as if they are l6 and earning megabucks. Is this kindda what you mean? Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:54:08
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 12:44:29
I don't think I mean that. I see people who look like babies and are doctors. That doesn't bother me.
Being grownup is different than having a career. I don't know. More that it's someone I look up to and rely on, maybe? A grownup.
I never see myself as a grownup. Just as a nongrownup who goes to work and helps the grownups.
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 13:13:36
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:54:08
Dinah sorry guess I see myself kind of the same way only don't even work. Wish I did. I feel from what I read that you do a wonderful job as a wife and mother and doggy mother. But feelings are your own sorry I misunderstood. Love Jan
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 13:22:13
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 13:13:36
No need to apologize!
I think it's a hard thing *to* understand. I'm a fat middleage person. How can I have a self image of not being grownup?
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 23, 2008, at 13:26:01
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:54:08
> I don't think I mean that. I see people who look like babies and are doctors. That doesn't bother me.
>
> Being grownup is different than having a career. I don't know. More that it's someone I look up to and rely on, maybe? A grownup.
>
> I never see myself as a grownup. Just as a nongrownup who goes to work and helps the grownups.<<Wonder if it's like how I feel-- there are people that seem so much more "together" than I. In situations --they know just what the healthy thing to do is... as I sit there trying to figure things out and seem to not have clue sometimes. (embarrassing for me) It's like I'm missing something-- something that I don't know how to get-- like there were some growing up years that -- that-- I never got to learn from, so I'm still, at times-- in the child mode.
The psychologist I saw -- he was more than 20 years older than me, it wasn't so hard taking advice from him-- but now-- my new therapist I see-- she's a year younger than I am!!! I'm taking advice and having someone help solve things with me that hasn't even lived as long as I have!!! ugh..... hard for me to not feel like a failure. :o( (I'm so thankful her compassion and understanding helps me to cope with it all)
is that kind of how you feel Dinah?
flutterby ps-- Hi Phillipa! ;o)
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 13:27:11
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 13:22:13
Dinah I will trade ages with you anytime as you still have responsibilites. Lonely when none. And I learned the hard way that body size, shape are meaningless it's what's in your head that matters. I lost mine with the fat of the surgery. I hope I can at least get back to where I was. Fears horrible. Love Jan
Posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 16:14:15
In reply to There are grownups younger than me, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:09
Hi Dinah--
I feel that way a lot. For me, it's about feeling like I SHOULD have so many more things accomplished and figured out, by my age. Then I start comparing myself to others (who seem to have it together) just to round out the beating-myself-up session :) I have never felt grown up inside. I'm going to be 33 soon, and I can't envision a time when I will.
You know, I bet all the people who seem grown up to you feel the same way inside. I never realized, until therapy and a couple of other close relationships, how confident and together I seem on the outside--when inside I'm disintegrating.
Is it about feeling dissatisfied with where you are? Or about wondering if there will be a confident, older authority figure left for you as the "grownups" get younger? Just speculating.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 17:58:27
In reply to There are grownups younger than me, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:09
Instead of thinking viewing people in terms of grown-up, view them in terms of being mature.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 18:04:30
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me, posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 17:58:27
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 18:25:59
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me, posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 17:58:27
It's not quite the same thing. Mature and grown up.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 18:30:09
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 16:14:15
I think it's more about not wanting that for myself, and being forced into something I don't want purely by virtue of advancing age.
Or possibly
"Or about wondering if there will be a confident, older authority figure left for you as the "grownups" get younger?"
That might have some validity. :)
I always worried about getting married in some ways, because I *liked* being a daughter. I still do really.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 18:31:29
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 13:27:11
Give your body time. It takes time to recover from things like surgery.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 18:37:49
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 23, 2008, at 13:26:01
I do wish I was more socially ept. I so admire those people who move with social grace and confidence. While I blunder about like a rhinoceros in a gift shop.
But in general, being grownup is a bad thing in my eyes. Not for everyone of course. Some people like that sort of thing, and I'd just as soon leave it to them.
My therapist is five years older than I am, and when I started seeing him he was well younger than I am now. I ask him sometimes how he felt about being looked to as a parental figure, and whether he felt like a fraud. But he's one of those people who apparently likes that sort of thing.
Posted by crushedout on April 23, 2008, at 18:59:08
In reply to There are grownups younger than me, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:09
I get upset about the same thing all the time. I also worry that little kids are going to have their sh*t figured out before I get mine figured out. I.e., they will be grown up before I am.I can sympathize.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 19:00:37
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » MissK, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 18:25:59
That's my point. Grown-up is what children say to describe adults.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 19:04:35
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 19:00:37
I don't *mean* mature, so I can't substitute.
That's all I meant to say.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 19:07:12
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by crushedout on April 23, 2008, at 18:59:08
Do you want to grow up? I have this fear that it will happen to me without my permission. :) I can't quite imagine wanting it to happen.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 19:20:04
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » MissK, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 19:04:35
>I don't *mean* mature, so I can't substitute.
What do you mean then?
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 19:33:51
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me, posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 19:20:04
Perhaps it's a term with idiosyncratic meaning to myself. It wouldn't be the first.
But there's no way to know unless I use it around people who don't know me as well as my husband or therapist do. They always know what I'm talking about, so I assume others will as well. Maybe I forget how long it took them to figure it out.
Unfortunately, if I ever knew how to explain it for non-Dinah ears, I've apparently forgotten that too. All that springs to mind is "You know... Grown Up." Which I suppose isn't that helpful.
But when I think of people who are grown up, they aren't necessarily mature. And some mature people I know aren't necessarily grown up. So I know it's not a synonym.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 20:05:17
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » MissK, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 19:33:51
>it's a term with idiosyncratic meaning to myself
Well, you seem to have a good vocabulary - why not explain what the meaning of grown-up is for yourself.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 20:09:14
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » Dinah, posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 20:05:17
> >it's a term with idiosyncratic meaning to myself
>
> Well, you seem to have a good vocabulary - why not explain what the meaning of grown-up is for yourself.Why thank you. But there is no point in trying to explain the ineffable.
And definitions have never been my strong point in any case.
Posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 21:24:30
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me » MissK, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 20:09:14
>But there is no point in trying to explain the ineffable.
Really, the word grown-up is indescribable for you.
>And definitions have never been my strong point in any case.
Well, could I suggest in future you should probably think more on what you mean before you say something.
How can we talk about something that doesn't mean what you say, and what it does mean, you can't say.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 21:37:22
In reply to Re: There are grownups younger than me, posted by MissK on April 23, 2008, at 21:24:30
> Well, could I suggest in future you should probably think more on what you mean before you say something.
>
> How can we talk about something that doesn't mean what you say, and what it does mean, you can't say.But *I* know precisely what I mean. I'm not sure how I could decide, before posting, not to post something because you will not understand, when I have no way of knowing whether you will understand until I have posted and you have told me you do not understand.
I'm sorry I can't explain it in such a way that we are able to have a fruitful exchange. My inability with definitions is a longstanding source of frustration and distress to me. I am sorry that it has caused distress to you as well.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 21:43:26
In reply to There are grownups younger than me, posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 12:11:09
I guess it's something I should only discuss with my therapist. It was something that was important to me, even though I recognized the ridiculousness of what I was feeling.
Now I just feel frustrated and bad for being idiosyncratic and weird.
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