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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 8:46:02
I see him tomorrow bright and early. I think I will have the guts to talk about hard stuff again. about this "forgiveness" stuff that we were talking about before X-mas break.
and h is gone too. he's gone for 2 weeks this time. until next sunday
I think I'm doing a good job holding down the homefront without much IRL support. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad
I HATE being dependent on other people, on my brain chemistry, etc.
T always says "you have to push your way through the bad times, through the bad feelings. There's no other way forward"
I've been pushing and pushing and the bright side is not revealing itself yet.
Did some self-destructive things yesterday.
I dunno. sorry to ramble
-ll
Posted by rskontos on January 28, 2008, at 9:51:37
In reply to I feel so alone- no T for 10 days, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 8:46:02
Ll, I am sorry your T is going away, and I think mine is too available. It is bad when you are in a place when you need/want them more than can be there and they are not available. I am trying to push mine away and he thinks we need to meet more often and I just don't want to. He says it is a trust issue. And I say it is just plain too hard. But I digress about me. Sorry
I watched a movie over the weekend that really impacted me and it helped me alot but I still don't want to go. But I have some words that might help you and I will get to them soon.
I know you are alone IRL life but I have noticed, although I am not posting alot, I do read, that you have tons of support on Babble--dont discount that. You have loads of people here that will be here for you. Just wait and see you will have many responses. I hope you can find some things to do until the 10 days are gone and T returns and H returns. I often enjoy my H being gone but after 20 years of marriage and he has always traveled alot I have gotten used what has to be.
I too would find the days looming but as the words I took from that movie that meant alotto said , "Live in the moment". I keep thinking about it. So try until T returns to "Live in the Moment" and see what you can accomplish. And then think what you might have to tell him, as a gift...
....good luck and keep posting as it helps to give it to the boards and get it out, another good thing from the movie was, "get the trash out of your mind".....go post away.....
rsk
Posted by sunnydays on January 28, 2008, at 9:53:17
In reply to I feel so alone- no T for 10 days, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 8:46:02
((((ll))))
I'm sorry. I see my T tomorrow and then I won't be able to see him for a whole week because he'll be out the day I normally go. I normally go twice a week, so it feels like a long time. Don't these T's know they're supposed to live in their offices!?
It sounds like you have been doing fairly well lately. Keep trying the coping skills (although I hate even the words coping skills because it means there's something I have to cope with). Good luck.
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 9:57:47
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by rskontos on January 28, 2008, at 9:51:37
thanks RSK, you are such a kind soul. I am so fragile right now I have a tear running down my cheek. I don't think it's allergies either!
tomorrow ends my T's break from me. He had surgery and told me that he'd be available, but I didn't really have a good idea of what to talk to him about over the phone.
"hey T. feeling like utter hell. have a nice day. enjoy your pain meds"
one moment at a time. you may take a trip over to social and see that my coping mechanism for the worst times is to babble (literally spout nonsenseicals)
Thanks for talking about dissociation above. I've been having some of that lately. It's like I try so hard at my job to stay present (or else bad things happen to me) that on the way home and once I get home I am in total la la land. I lost about an hour yesterday. I dunno what happened to it. I don't think I did anything silly, but still... kinda scary, huh?
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on January 28, 2008, at 10:37:29
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » rskontos, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 9:57:47
Lurpsie so sorry about the lost hour and being a lone. I think you are very brave to be able to be alone. I used to love it no more I must be with my husband. And that is sick. So you see you are doing much better than I am. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on January 28, 2008, at 10:45:17
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » rskontos, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 9:57:47
LLurpy, my T says to try and figger all what is stressing me. Oftimes its many things, even little things, all together.
Then try and break it down to do something about things you might be able to do something about. Eg, you cut your work hours down. That was good.
CBT stuff, for all that its dry and boring as hell, and sometimes unfortunately triggering, can be useful.
Maybe you can do some llurpylists.
Your looking at getting a new home, working at your marriage(you been to MC yet?), being in a new area with few close friends at hand, working at an extreemly challenging job and still learning how to cope with that (cuz ANYbody who has any feelings at all would struggle with what you do...). You have your own demons to struggle with, you have the vagaries of meds. Damn girl, you got alot on your plate. So of course your stressed and falling bacl to old tried and true coping stuff at times! It takes time, a long time to learn and adapt into your psyche, new and better coping mechanisms.
LL I hope you can give yourself credit for how much you have accomplished just since I have known you on babble! You are strong, but dammit, your strong cuz YOU work hard at it. Your an amazing woman to me.
So I hope you can reach out to T and tell him you are working so hard at struggling along. Is there an interim T while your T is gone, just someone who can remind you of right things to do when you getting overwhelmed?
I know dissoc is scarey :-( But it seems to pass these episodes. It seems to be a sign that your stressed. Just remember, that it does pass. You will find your equilibrium again. And each time you go thru a tough time, you get stronger and learn more. At the time of peak intensity, its SO hard, but just keep telling yourself it WILL ease. It WILL.
Take good care, thanks for the brownie!
M
Posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 11:25:55
In reply to I feel so alone- no T for 10 days, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 8:46:02
I don't know if it's about pushing our way through so much as persevering. "Breathing in, breathing out" sometimes is the best we can do. I find that the best way to rest my mind at night, when it's fighting so very hard to keep itself busy and going, and ruminating over the day and what I SHOULD HAVE done, is to keep bringing it back to my immediate self. I start the thought - "I am aware of..." and listen to the room around me, and describe just those sounds. Then I use the phrase to describe what my body is doing, i.e., racing heart, throat constricted, fists clenched; keeping my awareness to just the physical sensations. It takes a lot of concentration to keep my mind on my surroundings and my body, and not on the things that my monkey mind wants it on! When I find my thoughts straying, then I start all over again. It doesn't feel like a punishment as much as a game.
I can't believe that I'm able to trick my brain and my body into calmness in this way, but (so far) it hasn't failed yet.
Try it some time when your brain is galloping away....
sticky hugs to you,
CS
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 11:43:58
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 11:25:55
I was doing something productive. Went to the grocery store. T called. Some complications to his outpatient surgery and he's still in the hospital 4 days later :(
((((((((((((((T)))))))))))))
he said it wasn't serious, just more of a nuisance, but I feel it even more keenly. So I *may* see him on Friday. I wanted to say "do you want to talk about it?" because he sounded so ... down... poor T. my heart really goes out to him. I know how much he likes to be super active always on the move. this must be aggravating at the very least, and probably painful too. I wish I knew how to help him, since he's helped me so much :(
oh I'm SO weepy today
********************************************
On the bright side, I bought a lot of frozen entrees and vegetables. I will eat healthy stuff, rather than ... yeah. old coping mechanisms...I will respond to you all in turn once I do something else I've been dreading. Which is- giving my landlord 60 days notice. I've been putting this off for 15 days. now the 60 day deadline is up. I looked, and he's not around, so I'll sneeeeek it into his mailbox and then run back to my cottage on the pond.
snnnneeeeeeeky llurp
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on January 28, 2008, at 12:02:29
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 11:25:55
Clear Skies really that works for you? Fear dominates me. Phillipa
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 12:07:08
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by sunnydays on January 28, 2008, at 9:53:17
sunny- they DO need to camp out in their offices, and occasionally to give us a call even before we call them. reading our minds, anticipating an imminent crisis. Is that TOO much to ask???!!!
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 12:17:38
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on January 28, 2008, at 10:45:17
> LLurpy, my T says to try and figger all what is stressing me. Oftimes its many things, even little things, all together.
I guess you're right. my place is totally trashed too. that increases my stress a LOT
> Then try and break it down to do something about things you might be able to do something about. Eg, you cut your work hours down. That was good.
thanks. it was hard, but I think I negotiated well
> CBT stuff, for all that its dry and boring as hell, and sometimes unfortunately triggering, can be useful.
I will get out my journal and my stuff and just do some basic lists of feelings, thoughts, ratings, counterthoughts, etc.
> Maybe you can do some llurpylists.see my post on social... there's a llurpielyst there if I ever saw one.
> Your looking at getting a new home, working at your marriage(you been to MC yet?), ***[nope- cause H is outta town] being in a new area with few close friends at hand, working at an extreemly challenging job and still learning how to cope with that (cuz ANYbody who has any feelings at all would struggle with what you do...). You have your own demons to struggle with, you have the vagaries of meds. Damn girl, you got alot on your plate. So of course your stressed and falling bacl to old tried and true coping stuff at times! It takes time, a long time to learn and adapt into your psyche, new and better coping mechanisms.
I guess it's time for a llurpielist of healthy vs. unhealthy coping mechanisms
healthy- pampering via bath and stuff; listening to music (but not Requiem's); playing scales on my violin; quilting with loud music playing, knitting, exercising, lying in the sunshine, guided meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, worry flooding (this is where you set the timer for 15 minutes and think of the worst case scenarios and then for the next 5 minutes you think of more positive and likely outcomes)bad coping mechanisms. eating too much sweets. drinking too much alcohol, rupturing my epidermis. walking down the dark cold highway to dunkin donuts at 3am (yes. guilty)
> LL I hope you can give yourself credit for how much you have accomplished just since I have known you on babble! You are strong, but dammit, your strong cuz YOU work hard at it. Your an amazing woman to me.
It's so hard because I have so much little day to day stuff to do, I guess I miss the big picture. h is always asking me to do things, and then he has to remind and remind me. I feel like a constant failure for being such a procrastinator. I can't even enjoy my day off because I have such an overwhelming to do list. Everything seems so crucial (steps to buying/financing house especially). I just feel like it's all too much :(
> So I hope you can reach out to T and tell him you are working so hard at struggling along. Is there an interim T while your T is gone, just someone who can remind you of right things to do when you getting overwhelmed?
T told me that I could call him if I have any problems. but Idon't wanna disturb him in the hospital. poor T.
> I know dissoc is scarey :-( But it seems to pass these episodes. It seems to be a sign that your stressed. Just remember, that it does pass. You will find your equilibrium again. And each time you go thru a tough time, you get stronger and learn more. At the time of peak intensity, its SO hard, but just keep telling yourself it WILL ease. It WILL.
> Take good care, thanks for the brownie!
> M"It will ease"
thank you muff. you are grounding. damm*t I'm weepy again
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 12:21:06
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 11:25:55
thank you CS, Can I stickyhug you back?
I am too scattered to remember to breathe. Well, I've been working on it. I have 3 different recordings of progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing and a number of guided meditations. I am listening to them until I fall asleep every night.
Last night I slept very poorly. I was just too ... too overstimulated (as Dinah might say). And stressed out. I was really looking forward to T so that I could unleash some of my angst. oh well. I have to wait until friday now
-Ll
p.s. I'm gonna get some aromatherapy going while I clean up the kitchen
Posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 13:44:46
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » ClearSkies, posted by Phillipa on January 28, 2008, at 12:02:29
> Clear Skies really that works for you? Fear dominates me. Phillipa
Phillipa, have you ever tried it?
CS
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 15:24:17
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Phillipa on January 28, 2008, at 10:37:29
I'm a mess. mind goes to dark place. even feet go there.
I made you chocolate fudge cookies
O OO O O
OO OOO O
O OO OOOI probably shouldn't be listening to Pelleas et Melisande. it's a little schizophrenic. brilliant sweeping string melodies and dark brooding interludes in muted brass. How many whole-tone chords can an orchestra play? Enough for light and dark symbolism to come to a tragic climax.
That was Debussy
I wish I could just stay in my safe place forever and ever. my bed. my comfy safe bed. but I cannot.
darkness is more compelling. I need to stop being so melodramatic. it's the depressive voice inside of me. at moments like this it speaks through a very thin veil- such that I barely can see it, but can hear it right inside my head. :'|
I'm afraid that I'm out of coping mechanisms for now. well, the beneficial ones, at least. they helped me pass the afternoon.
now iPod is playing arvo pärt. also very ambiguous tonality. is it hopeful or? despairing?
-Ll
p.s. I will be safe. don't worry about me. stakes are too high to be unsafe.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 15:26:15
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 14 days » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 15:24:17
Posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 16:07:25
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 14 days » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 15:24:17
Maybe you need some mindless 80's music to help distract you - some music does make me think too much! Do you like to dance?
You've been doing great today at keeping safe at a time when you're not feeling that way at all. This is not an easy time of it at all - this is the hard work that we all know of (and dread, for good reason).Can you feel that we're here to support you, that we're sharing your heavy load at this time? I'd be happy to paint your fingernails for you.
CS
Posted by rskontos on January 28, 2008, at 16:29:22
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » rskontos, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 9:57:47
Ll, yeah, it is but for me, as I told my p-doc the other day, it has been something I have done for sooooo long that maybe it is just best left alone. I was trying to explain a dissociative episode and he had this puzzled look, his questions annoyed me, so I thought WTF. And why try. I was the same look I got from my mother and I thought here we go again. But afterwards, when I got home I realized he is nothing like my mother for one he is a he. LOL no really he is nice and she wasn't so much.
Thanks for the kind soul. I try. Just follow your heart, "Live in the Moment" my favorite saying right now.....rsk
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 17:14:26
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 14 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by ClearSkies on January 28, 2008, at 16:07:25
> Can you feel that we're here to support you, that we're sharing your heavy load at this time? I'd be happy to paint your fingernails for you.
>
> CSAwww CS, you are a sweetie pie. mine are currently cherry red. maybe a darker burgundy?
I'm going downstairs to wrestle up some dindin
thank you and babble-at-large for your support. resting in bed was good. kitty stared into my eyes while we fell asleep
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 17:18:09
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by rskontos on January 28, 2008, at 16:29:22
rsk, sometimes things are best ignored. I try to ignore the depressive voice. I know that I will carry it with me my whole life. my burden to bear.
the only one who can deal with it is me. sometimes it yells at me 10000mph at 130 dB. what then? I yell back, or retreat to my safe place. sometimes it yells so loud that I break down and cry and know that I need help. sometimes. but who would I call? T in hospital needs to rest. h is out of town until sunday night. see my quandry.
-Ll
Posted by rskontos on January 28, 2008, at 19:39:17
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » rskontos, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 17:18:09
Yes I do see your quandry............What does this depressive voice yell exactly.....How do you deal with it....
I use my dissociative states to keep the depression at bay. I am really good at it to the point I think I can say I am not depressed. Now who knows what my p-doc will say. And I am not asking him. Because at this moment I am not depressed. But then who am I now. I don't know. I told him I don't think I am often the real me and I don't know I would know her. I am not sure he knew how to take that. But that is how I really feel. I think I have so many fragments that is all that is left. But he still thinks we can be made whole. Lots of luck I think....
So again, what does it yell. Maybe we can help with the yelling?
I can't understand some of my voices but maybe there is help with your depressive voice...rsk
Posted by JoniS on January 29, 2008, at 7:55:34
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » rskontos, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 28, 2008, at 17:18:09
Hi Lurpsie
Well, you have gotten a lot of good input from all these experienced babblers, havent you? I would read back through them again and emphasize the positive.
Your struggle sounds so familiar to me. I hate it when I get the weepys. But the sorrow is there. Here's what I do. On the weepy days I usually pamper myself. - Yes, even take a nap sometimes. I am sure that you can use it considering I've gotten babblemails from you aroung 1-2 am. Honestly, what helps (even though we dont want to do it) Is taking care of ourselves. Do soemthing you enjoy. Soemthing that refreshes you, that even may make you feel like a kid again. Keep your mind busy on what you like to do, or what you feel a sense of accomplishment doing. Make specific efforts to not think about your t. I exercise daily, it helps a lot. I used to hate it, but now I enjoy it most days, because I feel like I accomplished something - big - over came the dread, sweat, push, and theres the endorphine benefits. - It's real.
I am an introvert so I generally enjoy the time when my h is away. I like that I dont feel the pressure of making sure he is OK. I can do pretty much whatever I want.
I know how you feel, believe me. If nothing else, look on the bright side. you have 1 week to wait, not 9. Want to trade places with me?
(I'm not discounting your feelings, just trying to bring a little humor in) I'm surviving - most days.Take care of Llurpsie.
((((((Llurpsie)))))))
Joni
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 30, 2008, at 15:20:16
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 10 days » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by rskontos on January 28, 2008, at 19:39:17
My T is still outta commission (((T)))
I spoke with him briefly to set up another appt. He didn't sound good at all. I decided to spare him my anxieties "I've been better// I'm hanging in there"
so h comes back sunday and then I will see T on monday (cross your fingers)
I feel totally. ugh.
anxiety doesn't even begin to sum it up. I just want to overmedicate myself and go on a different kind of "med holiday". that would be counterproductive though. who would clean up the house?
I feel so deflated. disappointed. depressed. scared. Can I make it by myself? i just don't know how to put this in words.
every time I get my hopes up that I'll see T in a few days I'm disappointed. I just want to quit sometimes. quit everything.
I have to keep my mind out of dark places. I'm gonna take my prn's now and read muffly's post about anxiety.
so very very shaky and trembling
ugh I hate myself when I'm like this
Posted by jammerlich on January 30, 2008, at 16:05:18
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 18 days, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 30, 2008, at 15:20:16
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 30, 2008, at 17:44:37
In reply to (((((Llurpsie))))) I'm sorry :-( (nm) » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on January 30, 2008, at 16:05:18
thanks jammer you are a sweetheart:)
how are you?-Ll
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 18:25:59
In reply to Re: I feel so alone- no T for 18 days, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on January 30, 2008, at 15:20:16
Poor llurpsie. Poor llurpsie's therapist.
:(
I remember it well. My therapist was away once when his mother died, and again during the storm. Both times, I really felt sorry for him, but I was also angry that he didn't leave me a therapee-sitter. I was sorry he wasn't well, but I wondered who was going to take care of ME.
I've got my fingers crossed for Monday.
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