![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 13 to 37 of 96. Go back in thread:
Posted by Lao Tzu on June 25, 2010, at 9:42:00
In reply to Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by morganator on June 22, 2010, at 15:05:07
Thanks for relating your experiences with Holy Basil. Since I'm researching herbs for mood enhancement, will definitely look into Holy Basil. Thanks again.
Posted by morganator on June 25, 2010, at 12:36:48
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks! » morganator, posted by janejane on June 25, 2010, at 6:36:22
Cool, I will check again. I have the same email so I should receive it. My babblemail should be turned on so it should not be a problem. Thanks again.
Posted by morganator on June 25, 2010, at 12:38:08
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on June 25, 2010, at 9:42:00
> Thanks for relating your experiences with Holy Basil. Since I'm researching herbs for mood enhancement, will definitely look into Holy Basil. Thanks again.
It's definitely worth looking into. I also believe it is important to use a quality brand like New Chapter.
Posted by Lao Tzu on June 26, 2010, at 10:23:06
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by morganator on June 25, 2010, at 12:38:08
Do you think Holy basil would help me with my social anxiety or social withdrawal? Do experience increased socialization when you take it? Just curious because I have this problem related to my schizophrenia. Thanks for your posts.
Posted by morganator on June 27, 2010, at 2:24:29
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on June 26, 2010, at 10:23:06
I think it may help just because it can make you feel at ease. It's worth a try and I don't see why it would hurt you or agitate you in anyway.
Do you mind me asking what medications you take, if any? And, do you experience or negative or positive symptoms?
Have you ever tried a product by Bach called Rescue Remedy? Everyone at my work raves about it. I think it's effects are only for a few hours though. I have not tried it yet myself.
Posted by Lao Tzu on June 27, 2010, at 20:21:30
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks! » Lao Tzu, posted by morganator on June 27, 2010, at 2:24:29
Bach's Rescue Remedy doesn't work for me anymore. It did a few years ago before my psychosis, but not anymore. Have you tried Bach's Rock Rose flower essence? That one worked very well for my anxiety. I had almost instant relief from it. Unfortunately, the flower essences just aren't effective for me anymore. I have mostly lingering negative symptoms of schizophrenia, such as low motivation and social withdrawal. The medications I take are Risperdal, Zoloft, and Lamictal. That's it. I know of no herbs that actually help with negative symptoms, or they would be publicized, I imagine. Interested in Holy Basil, perhaps for a state of enlightenment. That would be nice. The best herb I ever took was Kava Kava for my anxiety. I can't take it now, but I do like ginger for its effects on circulation. I am sort of just dabbling in certain herbs, mainly for digestive problems, but I noticed ginger also had an effect on my mood. Anyway, I ordered the New Chapter Holy Basil that you mentioned and am looking forward to trying it soon. I figure it can't hurt to try it. It's expensive, though, $18.00 for 90Vcaps, but I've spent a lot of money on vitamins to date, and a lot of wasted funds on supplements that did nothing productive for me. Herbs are interesting, though. They truly are medicine in my opinion. Thanks for replying.
Posted by morganator on June 27, 2010, at 22:39:02
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on June 27, 2010, at 20:21:30
You actually got it for a decent price. Mine I believe cost about the same for 60 capsules. If you respond well to just one a day that will last you 3 months, and 2 a day will last 45 days, not bad. Maybe you can use one a day sometimes and 2 on other days when you feel you are going to be more stressed.
Yeah the effect may be subtle but hopefully it helps some. Good luck!
Morgan
Posted by Hombre on June 27, 2010, at 22:54:38
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks! » Lao Tzu, posted by morganator on June 27, 2010, at 22:39:02
There are some Ayurvedic medicine shops in town. I wonder if I can find Holy Basil and it what form it will be in.
Thanks again for sharing your experience, morganator. It opened my mind to Ayurvedic herbal medicine.
Posted by Lao Tzu on June 28, 2010, at 10:03:47
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Hombre on June 27, 2010, at 22:54:38
Thanks for your support, morgan. I hope it works too! I find that sometimes experimenting and perseverence pays off when working with various supplements and vitamins.
Posted by morganator on June 28, 2010, at 11:17:02
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on June 28, 2010, at 10:03:47
It sounds like you try so many good alternative treatments and try to take good care of yourself. I was just curious to know if you exercised regularly? Also, have you tried different types of yoga? I would recommend Bikram yoga but it is quite expensive.
Anyway, I guess all we can do is keep trying different things and hope that we find the right treatments that help us out consistently for a long time.
Posted by morganator on June 28, 2010, at 11:22:48
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on June 27, 2010, at 20:21:30
Risperdal, Zoloft, and Lamictal are all pretty good meds and they must be doing something positive for you without any bad side effects if you are sticking with them. I haven't tried Risperdal and I was not crazy about Lamictal, but that is just me.
Man I miss the days when I was on 100 mg of Zolft, took some fish oil, worked out 5 to 6 days a week, and felt really really good much of the time. I realize now I was a bit on the manic side, but heck, I will take being on the manic side and sleeping great always over what I have been dealing with the last 2 years.
I empathize with what you and all of us babblers are going through. I really hope we all find the peace and happiness we strive for at some point, sooner than later of course.
Posted by Lao Tzu on July 1, 2010, at 15:37:45
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by morganator on June 28, 2010, at 11:22:48
I don't exercise much. I'm becoming a little overweight from lack of exercise and also the Risperdal. I'm not fat, though. Just a few extra pounds. Yes, the medication I'm taking works very well. It controls my worst symptoms, but I'm taking the supplements to address my energy levels. The vitamins do seem to give me more energy. I used to take Provigil for energy, and it worked great for a few years, but ever since my psychosis and being placed on Risperdal, the Provigil has been a let down, so I decided instead of paying for it every month, I'd give it up and just take the vitamins instead for energy. It worked!! I'm not a dynamo, but I do feel a lot better than I did as far as energy. Bipolars tend to have much difficulty maintaining balanced energy levels, and this is important because it can affect how manic or depressive you are. The medication alone didn't address my energy levels very well, but one amazing thing I noticed since being on the Risperdal is that I no longer get severe depression and anxiety after sex. It might not sound like a big deal, but sex for me was painful because of this, and it shouldn't be. Now, I no longer have that problem thanks to Risperdal, and I feel sooo much better about that. Also, my hallucinations are so much improved as well as my paranoia and delusions, although I still have a little of each, but it's not that bothersome and it no longer gives me much anxiety. I've been this way for about five and a half years. Before the psychosis, I just had depression and social anxiety. I didn't realize then that I was bipolar, and I think I've been bipolar since oh, 1989-90 since my last year in high school into my college years. The illness got progressively worse over time, and I didn't start taking medication for it until 1999. I figure that if I had taken medication and the supplements from the beginning, I might have avoided the psychosis, but who knows? I don't like to look back, but I am curious what I'd be like today if I had gotten proper treatment years ago. My mother thinks that possibly the medication itself brought out the bipolar to its worst. Unfortunately, you probably won't find a doctor who would subscribe to this theory. Usually, schizophrenia manifests in the early 20's, but in my case I didn't start experiencing psychotic symptoms until I was 33 years old. I started communing with "spirits" in 2004. That was the beginning. The thing that is interesting to me is that I believe I have some real photos of ghosts, one in particular that is strikingly human in form. No one believes me, but I always thought there was something else beyond our own physical plane. Anyway, I don't talk about "spirits" that much anymore because quite frankly, most people aren't interested in the subject. I see that what is important is living your life to the fullest and when you die, you may experience something extraordinary from that point on. So that's my story. What is your story, morgan? I enjoy reading the posts. Oh, by the way, my holy basil should be here soon. I'm really interested to discover how it works on me. I also read something about certain types of mushrooms that can help one achieve a higher spiritual plane. Not sure I'd want to experiment with any mushrooms other than Reishi.
Posted by Lao Tzu on July 4, 2010, at 9:33:03
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on July 1, 2010, at 15:37:45
I find I have a little more energy with Holy Basil, but still no spiritual experience or feeling of inner peace. I guess it works different for different people, or perhaps, I haven't taken it long enough or at a high enough dosage. I took one 400mg capsule yesterday and one this morning. Just noticed a little more energy and felt a little more spunky than usual. Perhaps it's all the medication I take or just the illness itself that prevents me from feeling the benefits of Holy Basil. Will post my continuing experience with it in the days ahead.
Posted by morgan miller on July 4, 2010, at 13:24:28
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on July 1, 2010, at 15:37:45
Hey Lao, Thanks for sharing some of your story. I've just dealt with the hellish depths of my disorder in the last few years. Before I did not know that I was bipolar, though I am a few other people in my life(specifically my therapist who has a Phd. in clinical psychology and has done forensic work for the local police) should have suspected that I was a long time ago. Actually, a few of my friends did suspect it but never told me so. Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, my computer was not working. I would love to share my story a bit later, busy today. Hope you are able to enjoy the holiday!
Morgan
Posted by morgan miller on July 4, 2010, at 13:29:57
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!, posted by Lao Tzu on July 4, 2010, at 9:33:03
Well hopefully you begin to notice even more of a positive energy boost. Maybe with time you will notice more of the peaceful calming effects. Even if you don't, would holy basil still be worth the investment with the added energy boost and spunk?
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 5, 2010, at 0:05:49
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks! » Lao Tzu, posted by morgan miller on July 4, 2010, at 13:24:28
> Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, my computer was not working.
Just a reminder not to change your posting name without following these steps:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#names
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Hombre on July 5, 2010, at 4:17:21
In reply to Re: posting name » morgan miller, posted by Dr. Bob on July 5, 2010, at 0:05:49
Speaking of ayurvedic herbs, has anyone tried Ashwagandha?
Posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 10:38:57
In reply to Re: posting name, posted by Hombre on July 5, 2010, at 4:17:21
Indeed, I have noticed more of an energy boost with holy basil. Another strange thing, I have been having some very vivid dreams lately. I don't know if they are caused by the Holy Basil or something else. I have also been taking Taurine lately. So it's one of these causing the vivid dreams. Have you experienced vivid dreams from Holy Basil, Morgan? They are not nightmares. I just seem to remember them very well in detail. Maybe, it's nothing. I do tend to dream a lot and I remember some of them. Most people in my family don't remember their dreams, but I like remembering them. Some of them are quite fascinating and inspire my poetry at times. Might increase my dosage of holy basil later, but for now I'm just taking 400mg per day. You say you are bipolar. Bipolar I or Bipolar II? Do you have mood swings everyday? My bipolar is mainly the depressive type. I've only been manic one time in my life, and I doubt I'll ever be manic again. At that time, I could stay up all night and smoke cigarettes, while all the while imagining this strange delusion that I was a god on a mission. It played into my interest of spirits and the life beyond this one. It wasn't usually scary, more creative and sometimes inspiring, but it was very weird. I am no longer in delusion or paranoid, and I am thankful for that because it was an obsession. I wasn't living my life in a realistic manner. I invented all kinds of scenarios and made up fantastical stories that to me seemed real, and even though they were odd, they fascinated me like nothing else. I can't say it was wisdom, kind of a distorted wisdom with no basis in this reality. I'm over it, though. I just want to live my life normally.
Posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 10:56:14
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks! » Lao Tzu, posted by morgan miller on July 4, 2010, at 13:29:57
Do you take high dose fish oil for your bipolar disorder, and if so, does it help you? I can't seem to tolerate high dose fish oil. It tends to make me feel too energized. It's annoying. The supplements I do well on include, Borage oil (omega-6s), B1, B2, B6, B12, zinc and manganese, calcium and magnesium, selenium, Vitamins C and E. Sometimes, I need a little folic acid to raise my histamine levels slightly, but I don't take it everyday. What supplements help you the most? Do you exercise for your bipolar? That's supposed to be great for bipolar. I always feel really good after a round of tennis with my brother. I like the endorphin high.
Posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 12:52:23
In reply to Re: posting name » morgan miller, posted by Dr. Bob on July 5, 2010, at 0:05:49
> > Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, my computer was not working.
>
> Just a reminder not to change your posting name without following these steps:
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#names
>
> Thanks,
>
> BobYeah I wasn't sure what to do. Sorry bout that. I meant to make a post to you concerning that.
Posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 12:53:39
In reply to Re: posting name, posted by Hombre on July 5, 2010, at 4:17:21
> Speaking of ayurvedic herbs, has anyone tried Ashwagandha?
I have..It's pretty good stuff for relaxing and sleeping. For some it gives them energy. It may have some neurogenic properties. I like holy basil more.
Posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 16:18:56
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!)))Morgan, posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 10:56:14
Do you still at least take a lower dose of fish oil or can you not take it at all? I started taking it ten years ago when I was 27 because I heard through my mom that it could help with depression and anxiety. At the time I did not know I was bipolar(like I said before, for several reasons, I should have been aware of it or made aware of it) and I was taking l00 mg of Zoloft which was working quite well. I found that after a week of taking fish oil, back then it was a fairly low dose, I just felt better, functioned better, and had more energy.
I find that fish oil and holy basil have the most noticeable benefit. And then maybe glycine, magnesium, and taurine for sleep. I'm not a huge fan of melatonin-too powerful and effect is too inconsistent.
I exercised for years and it was crucial for managing anxiety, mood, and depression. I'm an athlete and had suffered a few fairly significant injurie(one from a bad car accidentI) so my body and my sensitive brain/physiology needed moderate to intense exercise over the years. I'm one of those people that gets VERY high off exercise. All of the right endorphins and other chemicals would kick in at full force, especially when I was feeling well and on a medication that was working for me. Unfortunately, things have been different nowadays, which is one of the reasons why I am struggling so much more. My body is simply a complete train wreck(my brain is too, bad combination..wish I had one or the other so I could more easily work on one or the other). When I was 33 and working at an elementary school I started working for a friend's moving company during my summers off. After my second summer at 34 I started realizing how much my body had suffered from this type of work. I was a maniac out there and doing things guys my size just would not normally do. I contribute my bad decision to do this type of work partially to my bipolar(at the time I still did not know I was). I also know that my childhood and the role my parents played or did not play was big reason why I did not take care of myself and protect myself like I would have liked to. I actually also contribute the development of my bipolar genetic predisposition to my childhood experience. I am a true believer in the bio-psycho-social model.
Anyway, I am not doing well in so many ways-physiological, chemical, spiritual, and physical-in such a short short period of time. I can not believe I felt well enough and strong enough to do the kind of hardcore go go go, sprint up and down stairs, and move ridiculously heavy pieces of furniture just a few years ago. I know I'm 37 now but I am pretty sure other things are at play here.
At the beginning of the summer of 2007 when I was 34 and just before I started my second round of moving work, I ran out of Zoloft one day and didn't have the money to refill it so I decided I would try to get off it cold turkey. After 5 days and some intense withdrawals I was feeling pretty good and really thought this was the end of medication for me. My first time out at the bars I definitely felt a little off. I just was not as comfortable as I usually was. I'm quite the social butterfly and extrovert. I also noticed I did not react the same way to alcohol. I did not have as much of a tolerance and did not seem to get as good a buzz. The next few times I went out I felt more comfortable and reacted better to drinking alcohol. At this point I was really beginning to believe that I no longer needed medication and I could function and live normally without it. I started noticing toward the end of the summer and beginning of the fall, I was becoming more anxious and depressed and obsessive compulsive. I started back at the elementary school and started psychology courses at the local community college. I was feeling o.k. but noticed feeling more on edge and uptight than normal. I simply did not feel as comfortable or as stimulated as I was used to feeling. I was also realizing at the time that I had to have a conversation with my ex girlfriend about how I felt about her and what I wanted to do to maybe try to reignite the relationship we had-or really never were able to continue to have. My getting my act together and much of the stress of the previous few years had much to do with my ex girlfriend(I played in a grungy punk rock band and lived in la la land for several years up until about 32 when I started to try to deal with reality more and grow up.) As the fall progressed I began to notice that some of the physical issues resulting from the moving work just were not going away. I was also noticing physical issues that I had not noticed during the summer or even at the end of the summer. I think I was just moving so much and running on endorphins and adrenaline that I could not feel the damage I had done. I would work a hard 9 hour day and go straight to the gym and work out pretty hard. I think working out and stretching after moving work was actually a good thing, but I was taking it too far and doing some heavy lifting some of those days. By the time the middle of October rolled around I was becoming increasingly stressed over a few things, mostly dealing with the ex and the condition of my body, college courses were secondary to these. Halloween weekend my roommates threw a party. I ended up drinking more than I had planned. I was about to go to bed when I heard people yelling and screaming. I knew I should just ignore it and go to bed but I put my shoes back on and went downstairs to check it out anyway. It turned out a friend of mine was wasted and being a total jack *ss and was instigating a fight with these young punks that crashed the party. I got between my buddy and one of the young guys and was basically attacked by the young guy and all his friends. I was exhausted and drunk and in no shape to fight back and defend myself. I took the worst beating of my life. I ended up having to drive myself to the hospital emergency room to get a huge gash under my eyebrow and above my eyelid stitched up. I remember crying while I was waiting for the doctor in the hospital bed. I was definitely shaken. I blew it off the next day and beyond convincing myself that the experience did not affect me emotionally. Well it ended up being the final trigger that helped to send me into the worst mixed episode of my life. In November I began to feel even more stressed out and started to feel periods of pretty heavy depression. I tried 5htp and I noticed that it helped immediately. Unfortunately it was not enough and may have contributed to some rapid cycling that I had never experienced before. I was also waking up every hour or so some nights, something else I had not experienced before. I was not on medication, I was feeling more and more stressed over dealing with my ex and school, I was noticing more and more how damaged my body was and how it was not recovering(including my skin that I had not protected from the sun much the past few summers-I have fairly pale skin), and I was beat up pretty bad in my own house-this was the "perfect storm" that sent me into a horrific mixed episode. The first week in December I was taking a nap during my lunch hour at work and woke up out of it in a bit of a panic. This I believe was the beginning of my mixed episode. I remember seeing images quickly flash in my mind of my life and my greatest fears-getting old and being damaged was one of my greatest fears, one that I had suppressed and escaped for quite a long time. I left work and went straight to my physician's assistant to see what she had thought about getting back on medication. I had been trying to get in with a few psychiatrists that were recommended but I had to wait a month or so to see them. I couldn't wait any longer and was in a bit of a panic and feeling desperate. My world was falling apart within me and around me. The physician's assistant put me on Lexapro. Two days later I went to see her and she gave me a script for Xanax. It ended up that the combination of Lexapro and Xanax may have worsened my mixed state. I was given the week before the holiday break started off work after breaking down and talking to my principal. I came back after the break was over but this only lasted a few days. I was very ill. At this point I applied for disability so I could take an indefinite period of time off work. Then one night at group therapy I told my therapist that I was just too uncomfortable to the unbearable point and thought it was time to go to the local private psychiatric hospital. She drove me to the hospital and I contacted family members. After the 2nd day there and some evaluation, I was told that they thought I was bipolar and needed to try Depakote and maybe Zyprexa to help take me out of a severe mixed manic episode. I contacted my therapist to ask her what she thought and her exact words were, "You are NOT bipolar". I didn't want to believe I was and didn't want to take the mood stabilizers. I was soooooo confused at this point. My therapist had a Phd. in clinically psychology and did forensic work for the Fairfax Co. police dept. just outside of D.C., so I had a good reason to trust her opinion. After my therapist spoke to the psychiatrist I was seeing in the hospital she told me that I should probably go ahead and start taking the medications. I finally gave in and started taking depakote and after 3 days and adding a little zyprexa I was back to being able to sleep for 7 to 8 hours. Before I could only sleep for 3 hours during the night and I would wake up with my mind racing stuck on obtrusive obsessive thoughts and feeling extreme agitation.
Ever since this awful life changing experience I have had five arthroscopic surgeries(both knees, both hips, and left carpal tunnel release), I fell into the deepest darkest depression of my life, I have been on 11 different medications, and I have been back to the hospital for a week at Georgetown University. The really f*ck*d up part of the six to 8 month period after my hospitalization is that my therapist continued to question my bipolar diagnosis. This made it harder for me to pursue seeing the right psychiatrist and stay on the right medications. I eventually started to get angry with her and started leaving her nasty messages. I actually screamed "F*ck off!" to her in one of the messages. This was happening in June of 2009 when I had stopped taking the medications I was on(I wasn't doing so well on them but I think they were still stabilizing me some) and about to go back to the hospital because, as usual, I could not seem to find or get into see a good psychiatrist that had a f*ck*ng clue(This one young guy I saw was an ECT specialist and wanted to try ECT on me).
So my life has been pretty unstable with some pretty damn good years, but the last 2 years and 8 months or so have been pure hell. The surgeries and medication trials put my body and my mind in a much worse state than it was before. I also stopped working out after my last hip arthroscopy when I began to sink into a very deep deep depression. I haven't really worked out at all for over a year and a half. This has contributed to the worsening of the state of both my mind and body. Yes I am a complete mess. I started working back in January at a restaurant I worked at 3 years ago. Then, 3 months ago I got another job at an organic market, sort of a "Ma and Pa" version of Wholefoods. I feel better that I am back to work but I do NOT feel well at all. I started taking generic Synthroid 3 weeks ago hoping that would help me feel better but so far it's impact has been minimal. My thyroid was on the low end of normal range and had been for a while so my doctor decided to treat me for it because I was experiencing so many of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. I feel so bad it's hard for me to get myself to work out at the gym, something I did religiously for years. No matter how hard I was working or how much sleep I didn't get, I knew what feeling really tired was but I never really experienced fatigue. Anyway, now I'm rambling on. That is much of my story.
I was definitely spoiled in the past for many years feeling fairly invincible and capable of doing many things physically that most people could not come close to. Losing this invincible feeling is definitely affecting me psychologically. I think feeling the way I did and being able to perform the way I did covered up and managed much of what was going on with me. I rode the high for a very long time. Now I have crashed and feel much worse and can do much less than the average person my age. It's not cool, not cool at all.
Morgan
Posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 16:20:49
In reply to Re: posting name, posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 10:38:57
>Have you experienced vivid dreams from Holy Basil, Morgan?
I have had very vivid imaginative dreams lately, but SSRIs seem to have this effect on me and I've always had very vivid imaginative dreams ever since I was quite young.
Posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 16:26:08
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!)))Morgan, posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 10:56:14
>Do you take high dose fish oil for your bipolar disorder, and if so, does it help you?
I think fish oil has always helped me. At times I have had so much else going on that I have not felt much of the benefit of fish oil but continued to take it anyway. I believe fish oil works best when other medications are helping and your mind is working o.k. to begin with. I do think that the higher dose I have been taking recently is helping some. I may go back down to a more normal dose if I don't continue to feel better.
Posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 19:42:34
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!)))Morgan, posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 16:26:08
Thank you so much for relating your story to me. I really do appreciate it. I am sincerely empathetic. We're close in age. I'm 39 years old, born in April, 1971. You've been through hell, and I know what that is like. When you reach that breaking point, your whole life seems to unravel, thread by thread. I mean, I lost my girlfriend of one and a half years. I lost my job of 5 years. I lost all of my friends, except two of them. And I lost my apartment, where I lived for over two years on my own. I enjoyed living on my own. It was new for me, and I had good memories there that I won't forget. In fact, I remember the first day in my new place and how quiet it was. It was exciting. I wasn't lonely. I was free. But now, I'm back to living with my family, who I love, but would rather be on my own. And I hate the town I live in. It's too congested. I like the country, peaceful, quiet, that's my idea of living.
I wanted to ask you, have you made any new relationships since this all happened to you? Any new girlfirends? My doctor would like to see me socialize more, but I find it difficult due to my social withdrawal. I used to date. I liked it, in fact. It made me feel a part of someone else's world. It enriched my life to be with someone else. To not be lonely anymore. I hope to forge new relationships one day, and I hope the same for you.
I lost my girlfriend, Lisa, because I started to become manic and delusional. One evening while walking together in the park, she noticed that I had a woman's ring on my right hand. She asked me why I was wearing it. I told her that it made me feel better, as if it had some magical properties. She laughed nervously, and I think after that incident is when she decided not to see me anymore. I never thought of her as someone I would marry, but she was a dear friend of mine. We had a lot of good times together, and I really miss her.
So you've been in and out of the hospital for your illness? Not getting the right diagnosis, huh? I didn't get the diagnosis of bipolar/schizophrenia until 2006. Years ago, I was just diagnosed as having depression and anxiety. But back then, I had no psychosis. I wonder what took so long for the psychosis to appear? I was committed only once for nine days. Because I have social anxiety, that was a nightmare for me. I didn't like sharing a room with someone else, and I didn't like the group meetings. I was scared to death back then. I really didn't know what was happening to me. All I knew is that one day, I woke up in my apartment, and I was hearing voices talking to me and shouting at me all day long. The only time I didn't hear them was when I was asleep. It was the most annoying, anxiety-provoking period of my entire life. There are three different voices that I hear. Two of them are men, and one is a woman. They changed with time. Initially, they were confusing. They talked about religion a lot, and one was the devil cursing at me and taunting me. Now, they are just voices of people that I worked with at the pharmaceutical company. Today, I realize the voices are just Me, just parts of my personality. They are curious like little children, sometimes angry, but mostly comforting, thanks to the medication. If I'm relaxed, so are they. I really don't know why they are there in the first place. They just started talking one day, and they haven't shut up since. I laugh about it sometimes because they are like children, trying to make me laugh all the time. I know it's weird, but I don't know how they came to be.
You said you don't feel too well nowadays. What is bothering you the most nowadays? You said you miss the physical endurance you had years ago, being able to lift a lot of heavy things and working out. I have fatigue problems too. I believe you'll get your endurance back one day, maybe not 100% , but it will get better.You said you were experiencing a lot of stress on your physical body from all of that heavy work and working out, and of course, being stressed out. There is a definite connection between mind and body. When the body is stressed the mind breaks down too. I think that is what happened to me also. My job was very physically demanding as well. I was a laboratory animal technician. I did it for 5 years. I think my physical body just wore out and my mind, which was already fragile, started to reach that breaking point. And then when I lost my job, I was so distraught, and then the voices came after that.
Yeah, it's been a rough road for me these last six years. After reading your story, I feel honored that you would share it with me. Thank you so much for telling me about yourself. I'd like to hear more whenever you feel like it. Stay well, Morgan.~Lao~
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