![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 22 to 46 of 101. Go back in thread:
Posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » jerrympls, posted by sooshi on September 5, 2004, at 11:10:06
I am crying at the monumental outpouring of support on this board.
Thanks to Jerry for having the strength to post how he really feels.
Jerry, I hope you recognise that not only are you not alone but that others in similar situations do not have the strength of charactor to reach out to others and open themselves up as you have. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You have both courage and intelligence to write as you did.
I feel hopeless a lot of the time. I always think if I make a statement everyone will just think it is a "poor me" statement.
I am jealous of everyone here. I do not know a lot and have trouble learning what I need to know. I cannot work, have few friendships. Basically I do not function much on any level. I suspect that most here "work" and are able to do things like clean their homes, have friends they do things with and are active on some level.
I have tried what seems like every med and combination there is including 2 ECT stints, biofeedback, homeopathy, some supplements. I even opted to take a year off and spend it in a "mental hospital" in the hopes that this intense therapy time would mend me.Besides atypical depression I am bulimic and have self injured. I live alone and have a couple of friends that speak on the phone to me but I never see. I have been sitting on my couch for the last two years, lonely, angry, disappointed, depressed and quite alone. My family provides some monetary support but no mental or emotional support. In fact they make me feel worse most of the time.
My last therapist has told me that I am a professional complainer. So I try not to complain too much. This is obviously a great exception.
My pdoc has has lost interest at most I can get a prescription. I used to have him as my main and really only support. I could talk to him about anything and he could make me laugh and enjoy the conversation. He could empathies with me at some level. Now I have no one.
I am not great at putting into words what I am trying to say but there you have it. Yes I know "poor me" I guess I needed to say it here at least this once.
Current meds:
oxycontin
ritalin
valium
klonopin
peridium-plus
amisulprideJust ordered milnacipran. Not sure if I can continue with amisulpride. It helps some but my "interstitial cystitis" is bad and probably this is the cause. Lowered the dose, perhaps that will work.
Just started to have an interest in trying all these meds agian. How do you keep the hope about it all and a positive attitude?
Any suggestions welcome, that is why I wrote this.
irene
Posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14
Irene,
Don't feel alone. I haven't worked in over 15 years except for an early morning paper route a few years ago. I don't drive either.
I, too, have atypical depression and bpd. I somehow grew out of self-injuring which is one positive aspect of aging. Borderliners tend to mellow with age.
I've been hospitalized numerous times but not since 1992 when they had run out of options and scheduled me for ECT. I left AMA the night before.
I know the kind of isolation you are in. About 2 years ago I didn't leave my house for almost a year. I didn't even go into the yard. I did all my grocery shopping online which got to be a little tricky. I had alienated just about everybody (bpd anger) but the UPS driver and ran out of friends.
Then in November 2003, I bought a bunch of full spectrum lighting online, and I kid you not, was out walking within 2 weeks. I had heard it helped with depression so I installed it in a couple rooms and added a "light box" to my living room lighting scheme (probably not necessary and quite expensive).
The full spectrum lighting helped me get my foot in the door (or out the door). I started meditating, walking, and even made up with two estranged friends. I found someone who would pick me up and take me to the park for walks too. I also lost some weight.
There are some other things I did that probably should be left to the faith board. I'm still struggling but I have more hope than I had a couple years ago. I still hardly go out but that's mostly due to some recent problems with "self medicating" (alcohol).
Have you looked into the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" book by Marsha M. Linehan? It's not easy to read but some sections are great - especially the handouts. There are year-long courses based on this book - even online - but I've felt to vulnerable to participate. Some of the exercises in this book are great.
take care,
Verne
Posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:06:00
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36
Posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 15:38:30
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36
Thanks,
I'll look up the book.
I have the lighting but never remember to use it.
You have motivated me to try it.
Thanks again
Posted by jerrympls on September 6, 2004, at 9:48:20
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » verne, posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 15:38:30
Can someone recommend a book about living at work with depression and/or how to deal with a passive-aggressive boss?
I need it ASAP.
Thanks
Jerry
Posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:04:31
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » iris2, posted by verne on September 5, 2004, at 15:03:36
> Don't feel alone. I haven't worked in over 15 years except for an early morning paper route a few years ago. I don't drive either.
I am sorry to hear this. I hope you find your life easier to live than I have. Some people do not stay constructively active yet are able to either be "happy" doing little or have other interests and are able to motivate themselves.> I, too, have atypical depression and bpd. I somehow grew out of self-injuring which is one positive aspect of aging. Borderliners tend to mellow with age.
I think that age has also mellowed me so that I never self-injure anymore.
> I've been hospitalized numerous times but not since 1992 when they had run out of options and scheduled me for ECT. I left AMA the night before.
I have been hospitalized many times. Mostly after suicide attempts. Not been in the hospital for about three years. About five years ago I was in and out of the hospital several times a year.What made you decide against ECT.?
> I know the kind of isolation you are in. About 2 years ago I didn't leave my house for almost a year. I didn't even go into the yard. I did all my grocery shopping online which got to be a little tricky. I had alienated just about everybody (bpd anger) but the UPS driver and ran out of friends.
That sounds just like me. I am generally only angry at a close friend or family. Everyone else I am just HURT by. Sometimes things are so bad my family comes over just to take me grocery shopping.
> Then in November 2003, I bought a bunch of full spectrum lighting online, and I kid you not, was out walking within 2 weeks. I had heard it helped with depression so I installed it in a couple rooms and added a "light box" to my living room lighting scheme (probably not necessary and quite expensive).
I told you I have the light box. It is kind of a pain to use. It has become obvious that there is a seasonal component to my depression. For many years a month to two after the summer was over is always when I attempted suicide and was in the hospital.
Anyway where did you buy the full spectrum lighting online? Did you buy bulbs as I have seen or lights themselves? What was the cost?> The full spectrum lighting helped me get my foot in the door (or out the door). I started meditating, walking, and even made up with two estranged friends. I found someone who would pick me up and take me to the park for walks too. I also lost some weight.
I find that if I can find someone who will do things with me I can more easily motivate myself to do them. Alone is almost impossible right now. Is this your experience?
I omitted much of a response last time. Please forgive me. I was very tired. I am very happy for you that this is working. When I tried my light box many years ago I did not see much difference but I do not think I tried it long enough to know. I was also going through a big change in my household in which I went from living alone to cohabitating with a sociopath so I think it would have been difficult to see any change with the light box at the time.
>
> There are some other things I did that probably should be left to the faith board. I'm still struggling but I have more hope than I had a couple years ago. I still hardly go out but that's mostly due to some recent problems with "self medicating" (alcohol).I have gone through several periods of time self medicating with alcohol. Please try to stop. It is such a depressant and if you are trying to feel better with different meds or lighting or other things you will not be able to measure any positive changes as the alcohol will obscure them. If you cannot stop for any length of time on your own see if you can go into a rehab for a few weeks and then stay on the program after. Even if you do not believe in all the stuff, it helps. I went about 15 years ago for cocaine addiction, but I also had alcohol problems. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I had started Parnate and it was like a miracle drug for me but until I stopped the drugs I was not functioning with it. I never did cocaine again. I drink every now and again. It never was a big problem for me but when I see myself drinking several times a week and almost always alone I stop for several months usually. Now I drink an occasional glass of wine or something in company with others. I do not partake much anymore because my stomach is so bad from bulimia and oxycontin.
Please, please stop the drinking. Not just from personal experience but also from observing others especially when I worked as a staff member in a psychosocial rehab. You will have so much more potential to be happy and for meds to work. I will check other boards for you to see what others have done to intervene drinking behaviors.
> Have you looked into the "Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder" book by Marsha M. Linehan? It's not easy to read but some sections are great - especially the handouts. There are year-long courses based on this book - even online - but I've felt to vulnerable to participate. Some of the exercises in this book are great.
>
I will look at this book today. I have a couple self-help books that I need to finish reading now. It is rare anymore that I would have any.Why do you feel too vulnerable to take an online course? No one will know you. Is it knowing yourself that makes you feel this way?
Thank you for all the wonderful information and especially for sharing and making me feel not so alone. Take better care of yourself,irene
p.s. Since we both spend a lot of time in home perhaps you will want to email back and forth, not just on this board. I find it is like making a new friend but easier to share for some reason. My email is irene@pghmail.com
Do not worry if you are not so inclined. I will not take it personally.
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 6, 2004, at 10:45:56
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 6, 2004, at 9:48:20
> Can someone recommend a book...
Sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to redirect follow-ups not about medication to Psycho-Social-Babble. Here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/387064.html
Thanks, and best wishes, Jerry,
Bob
Posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:54:06
In reply to Redirect: books, posted by Dr. Bob on September 6, 2004, at 10:45:56
> > Can someone recommend a book...
>
> Sorry to interrupt, but I'd like to redirect follow-ups not about medication to Psycho-Social-Babble. Here's a link:
>
> http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040830/msgs/387064.html
>
> Thanks, and best wishes, Jerry,
>
> BobSorry I answered the post before your suggestion.
irene
Posted by alesta on September 6, 2004, at 15:44:41
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done--jerry, posted by alesta on September 3, 2004, at 20:38:34
hi, jerry,:)
sorry for giving you the wrong email address! it is enchantedmystic0@aol.com
amy :)
Posted by Nohope on September 7, 2004, at 5:52:22
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by iris2 on September 5, 2004, at 13:20:14
Hi Irene.
Please see linkadge's "no can do" post further down. He has some great combos listed - maybe there are some you haven't tried?
Best of luck.
Nohope
Posted by iris2 on September 7, 2004, at 8:49:43
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » iris2, posted by Nohope on September 7, 2004, at 5:52:22
Nohope,
Thanks, I'll check it out when sI get back. Big deal for me that I am even going out!
irene
p.s. Hey "Nohope" has that changed yet?LOL
Posted by verne on September 7, 2004, at 13:01:47
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » verne, posted by iris2 on September 6, 2004, at 10:04:31
Irene,
thanks for the thoughtful response. I'm a little overwhelmed right now after a weekend binge that included ingesting morning glory seeds. When I'm back on my feet I will try to respond more fully.
I can't recommend the online merchant where I bought the full spectrum lighting. I got the run-around, card was charged before they shipped lights, and then they lied to me about having shipped it. Do a search for vitalites and you'll probably find them.
I'm way behind on my email coorespondence so I'm afraid to take on any more but thanks for the offer. For now I'll see how posting on a message board goes. There's something uncomfortable and even emotionally painful about message boards, chat, and cybertalk for me. I need to take it slow.
take care,
verne
Posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 16:27:03
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » iris2, posted by verne on September 7, 2004, at 13:01:47
I haven't decided to give in or to stay "alive" and continnue fighting. I have given myself until the end of this week/weekend. I see my therapist this week too. Right now I just don't see any future for me. My doctors talk of alt. meds like Mirapex, etc. - but they don't follow up on their plans to actually implement any of these. All they want to do is raise my Effexor - which they think is the only med that will work for TRD.
But I thank you all for your words of encouragement....I'll keep them all in mind.
Thanks
Jerry5 days and counting....
do miracles exist? I've never experienced one. One would be nice about now.
Posted by SLS on September 7, 2004, at 17:29:45
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 16:27:03
> I haven't decided to give in or to stay "alive" and continnue fighting. I have given myself until the end of this week/weekend.
Ok. What do I have to do today to sell you this car?
Stick around.
Cymbalta.
- Scott
Posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 18:10:23
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by SLS on September 7, 2004, at 17:29:45
> > I haven't decided to give in or to stay "alive" and continnue fighting. I have given myself until the end of this week/weekend.
>
> Ok. What do I have to do today to sell you this car?
>
> Stick around.
>
> Cymbalta.
>
>
> - Scott
>
>I need a vacation from work. But I don't have any vacation time left. I can take up to 12 weeks/year as part of FMLA - but it would be without pay. How am I supposed to support myself with no pay - even if I take just 2 weeks off? My parents are non-responsive and I have no savings. I just need a break...
I thought of leaving my job and going on umemployment..but perhaps that's too drastic. I think if I had the opportunity to take 2 weeks off, I'd be able to REALLY asses how much my current work situation is contributing to my depression and I'd be able to see my therapist more (I still retain my health benefits if I take FMLA leave from work).
But it comes down to money. Plus this computer belongs to my work and if I quit I'd have to give it back and I think I'd go crazy without a connection to the internet - it's the best therapy I've had being able to talk to people on this board.
Just keep talking to me....don't let this thread disappear.
Scott, you have such a good heart....no one's ever stood up for me. Even though I hardly know you - it helps to know someone out there is pulling for me.
Thanks
Jerry
Posted by alesta on September 7, 2004, at 18:48:57
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 18:10:23
hi, jerry,:)
we're not going to give up on you!:):)
could you maybe find a different job? or just work part-time? maybe you just need to start over with a new job situation...as well as attempt to fix your underlying depression. i really think you should try the "natural remedy" route, and maybe see if there are some other underlying problems (see my thread titled "ppl w/ treatment-resistant or any depression, read!")
note:please do forgive me if i'm suggesting things that may be overwhelming to you at this time..i just thought i'd throw it out there..(can't hurt, right?). please continue to elaborate on your problems, as you are, b/c the more info we have, the better we can all try to help you in our own way....please keep posting on this thread at your own pace so we can continue to work on this with you!!
hang in there, jer!...:):):)
amy :)> > > I haven't decided to give in or to stay "alive" and continnue fighting. I have given myself until the end of this week/weekend.
> >
> > Ok. What do I have to do today to sell you this car?
> >
> > Stick around.
> >
> > Cymbalta.
> >
> >
> > - Scott
> >
> >
>
> I need a vacation from work. But I don't have any vacation time left. I can take up to 12 weeks/year as part of FMLA - but it would be without pay. How am I supposed to support myself with no pay - even if I take just 2 weeks off? My parents are non-responsive and I have no savings. I just need a break...
>
> I thought of leaving my job and going on umemployment..but perhaps that's too drastic. I think if I had the opportunity to take 2 weeks off, I'd be able to REALLY asses how much my current work situation is contributing to my depression and I'd be able to see my therapist more (I still retain my health benefits if I take FMLA leave from work).
>
> But it comes down to money. Plus this computer belongs to my work and if I quit I'd have to give it back and I think I'd go crazy without a connection to the internet - it's the best therapy I've had being able to talk to people on this board.
>
> Just keep talking to me....don't let this thread disappear.
>
> Scott, you have such a good heart....no one's ever stood up for me. Even though I hardly know you - it helps to know someone out there is pulling for me.
>
> Thanks
> Jerry
Posted by Jasmineneroli on September 7, 2004, at 23:55:08
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 18:10:23
Hey Jerry!
That feeling of helplessness is so dreadful, I know. Can you apply for another, less stressful type of job? Is there anything out there in your neighbourhood you can try? You obviously still need to keep an income coming in, but a different job might really be a beneficial change for you.
Find an employer that values you, cuz you deserve it! I know it's easy for me to type out this advice, and VERY hard to try to make such a change...but it sounds to me like your job is literally sucking the life out of you.
The computer you get from your employer, I realize, is a great lifeline. Is there any other way you can get one? Ask your therapist.
Keep talking to us Jerr. One of us will come with a solution, I just know it. :)
Many good wishes and thoughts for you
Jas
Posted by iris2 on September 8, 2004, at 8:35:55
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 16:27:03
Not much on religion but I think "miricles exist". The unexpected does happen sometimes.
Posted by Jasmineneroli on September 13, 2004, at 1:37:03
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » jerrympls, posted by iris2 on September 8, 2004, at 8:35:55
Hey Jerry:
Just checking in with you......wondering how things are right now?
Did your therapist give you any new suggestions/help?
When will you be seeing your Pdoc next?
I've been thinking about you quite a bit and hoping things are tolerable at worst, or looking up now :).
Warmest wishes
Jas
Posted by jerrympls on September 13, 2004, at 5:32:03
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Jerry, posted by Jasmineneroli on September 13, 2004, at 1:37:03
> Hey Jerry:
> Just checking in with you......wondering how things are right now?
> Did your therapist give you any new suggestions/help?
> When will you be seeing your Pdoc next?
> I've been thinking about you quite a bit and hoping things are tolerable at worst, or looking up now :).
> Warmest wishes
> Jas
HI Jas-Thanks for thinking of me. I had a good session with my therapist and tomorrow (Monday) I see a sleep specialist - so I am hoping that goes well.
As for everything else - work is really getting me down. My manager is trying to be accomodating and we're going to meet to see if working more from home and/or having a more flexible schedule would help. That's part of the reason I'm up so early (it's 5:20am central time). I worried that they'll have me doing some boring job instead of the one I'm doing now. But my therapist made a good point - he said that taking a step back right now doesn't mean I can't take a step forward in the future. There was much more to the conversation - but that made the most sense to me. I told him that I felt defeated by giving in to the job duty switch at work. Again he said something that made sense - he said "Feeling defeated doesn't necessarily mean you've lost the battle..." And I think that's true.
I've been reading about the Americans with Disabilities Act about what employers can and can't do to those with a mental illness (I'm "registered" with out Disability Services) and found out they can't lower my pay or necessarily fire me while trying to accommodate me.
Anyway, I seemy pdoc this week too and I'm going to be more assertive and tell him we've got to do more. He's mentioned adding Mirapex - but he doesn't seem to follow through with what he says he's going to do. He's also one of those pdocs that can't remember me or my case from appointment to appointment. UGH...but I DO have the option to switch doctors. We'll see. Right now the 375mg of Effexor isn't doing much of anything - it's not helping with my depression OR anxiety. Perhaps a trial on Cymbalta....I dunno.
Anyway, I GREATLY appreciate you writing...it's nice to know someone out there is thinking about me druing these rough times.
Thanks again! and I'll keep you updated -
Jerry
Posted by iris2 on September 13, 2004, at 9:36:44
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Jerry » Jasmineneroli, posted by jerrympls on September 13, 2004, at 5:32:03
> As for everything else - work is really getting me down. My manager is trying to be accommodating and we're going to meet to see if working more from home and/or having a more flexible schedule would help.
I think that I would be appreciative and grateful that at a time that I needed it my employer was willing to work with me. That really is a big thing. Most employers probably would not try and find much accommodation or provide for any understanding, which yours very much has.
> But my therapist made a good point - he said that taking a step back right now doesn't mean I can't take a step forward in the future.
I agree with your therapist that a step backwards right now does not have to have any bearing on steps forward in the future. Most of us either step backward every now and again or at the very least many of us are stagnant or at a plateau in our careers.
> I've been reading about the Americans with Disabilities Act about what employers can and can't do to those with a mental illnessThe law about Disabilities is not always a relevant factor in employer’s minds! Many people have to fight to get their rights if they are aware of them at all. Your employer seems to have taken it upon himself to go ahead and accommodate. That is something!
Sounds from the tone of your post that you are also taking steps to help yourself like with therapy and changing pdoc. I think it is great that you are able to be assertive and get your needs met. Or at least try to. IF I were you I would feel good about the positive flow of my life right now.My two cents.
irene
Posted by flipsactown on September 13, 2004, at 15:01:20
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Jerry » Jasmineneroli, posted by jerrympls on September 13, 2004, at 5:32:03
>
> Anyway, I seemy pdoc this week too and I'm going to be more assertive and tell him we've got to do more. He's mentioned adding Mirapex - but he doesn't seem to follow through with what he says he's going to do. He's also one of those pdocs that can't remember me or my case from appointment to appointment. UGH...but I DO have the option to switch doctors. We'll see. Right now the 375mg of Effexor isn't doing much of anything - it's not helping with my depression OR anxiety. Perhaps a trial on Cymbalta....I dunno.
>
Hello Jerry,I have been clinically depressed for over 13 years and I know from experience that it really pays to be assertive. Some pdocs are extremely conservative and if you don't let them know that you have done your research and know what you are talking about, chances are, things will remain the same, meaning you will continue to be depressed. If you have to, get another opinion and switch pdocs. Perhaps the new pdoc will be willing to try Cymbalta if the current one won't. Good luck to you and please continue to post as we here at PB are concerned about your well being.
FST
Posted by iris2 on September 14, 2004, at 11:41:47
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. Jerry » jerrympls, posted by flipsactown on September 13, 2004, at 15:01:20
My pdoc has trouble even sending me a prescription. Reading your post has made me even more determined to find a new one.
Thanks
Posted by TexasChic on September 14, 2004, at 11:48:38
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done. » SLS, posted by jerrympls on September 7, 2004, at 18:10:23
Hi. I usually post on the social board, but I came over to this one for no particular reason and found your post. You don't know how familiar it sounds! From the passive aggressive boss, to the messy apartment, to missing alot of work. I've been going through the same thing. The only difference is I got fired. As devastating as it seemed at first, I have to say it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I was so absorbed in trying to make the job work, I didn't realize how miserable I was. You wouldn't believe the feeling when I realized I did't ever have to deal with those people again! Its easy to get absorbed in trying to make things work, but if you're unhappy, there's probably a reason. Get out of that job and try a fresh start. Take the data entry position to give yourself a break and do job hunting in your off time. Who cares what the people at work think. They are just a speck in the sceme of things. After you get another job, you'll probably wonder why you cared so much in the first place. Just because a group of people all think something of you doesn't mean they're right. People in general always need someone to gossip about. I think they do it in an attempt to make themselves feel better. Don't let their petty little games rule you. Your opinion is just as significant. You deseve happiness. I know that's hard for a depressed person to accept, but its true. Sorry if I sound preachy. This just hits close to home with me, and I felt the need to share what I've learned. I'm far from out of the woods, but I feel like I'm making progress. Don't give up.
Posted by iris2 on September 14, 2004, at 13:13:47
In reply to Re: Thanks all - I'm done., posted by TexasChic on September 14, 2004, at 11:48:38
I agree with most of what you said. I just think that one also has to remember these "grass is always greener on the other side". This does not preclude the fact that many times we do overlook how hard we are trying to make a job or an impossible situation work. We do have to remember though that when dealing with depression sometimes some of us over personalize things at work. Perhaps tend to make little things much bigger. I think talking with a therapist that knows you and how you interpret those around you and situations you might be in is a good idea before changing jobs. If a lot of the problem is how the person internalizes what is going on it will not necessarily be better somewhere else.
I do not mean to say that the job is not the problem, it very well could be.
Another option is that you might need a break from any job right now. If that is the case perhaps you can get a short leave from the job you have now. If I recall you said that your supervisor was working with you in trying to accommodate. That sounds like he/she likes you and values your work. This person must feel like they get on well with you why else go to the trouble to accommodate?
My one-cent!
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